5.

Power can be a survival tool used to exist in a self-threatening environment to avoid being taken advantage of by others. The power response is to go on the offensive, take a position of strength, take the lead and direct others in the environment. This can lead to over responsibility and feeling overly concerned for everyone's welfare.

By taking the "power'' role people try to ensure that others survive a threatening environment, but this exacts a major price emotionally, physically and spiritually from them.

Control can be a survival tool used to exist in a threatening environment. The control response is to go on the defensive and direct oneself so that it appears one isn't being taken advantage of by another.

It can also help one to exist in and maintain sanity in a confusing environment. This can lead to a position of being too "self-contained'' and "self-directed.''

The "over control'' phenomenon can result when it becomes difficult to "let go'' of control over self. This can result in never loosening up enough to accept direction from others, be they teachers, employers, spouses, or authorized authorities and leaders.

6. Power is a vehicle by which people can become exempt from revealing personal feelings. They have risen to the top and the people below are refused entry into the "power type's'' emotional life. This is a defense mechanism to avoid full emotional involvement.

Control is a vehicle by which one can avoid revealing personal feelings because by maintaining self-control he submerges and hides how he is reacting to the emotional stresses in life. One can close oneself off from others so successfully that the emotional side of life is kept hidden.

A person who exerts self-control over his emotions hides behind a "guard all'' invisible shield; however, the lack of emotional self-disclosing takes a toll on the self-controller. 

7. Power is often exerted by people who believe they have the "answers'' but lack the patience for others in their lives to come a to consensus or agreement on what an appropriate course of action should be.

The "power play'' is using the position of authority or status to get your way with total disregard for the feelings or ideas of others.

Control is often exerted by one who believes he has the "answers,'' yet also believes that no one in his environment will listen to him. The "control play'' is the refusal to reveal any ideas, thoughts, emotions, attitudes, beliefs, or alternative problem solutions so as to avoid expected or anticipated rejection.

8. Power can be the mode of operation of people who believe that at one point in their lives they were taken advantage of & that will never happen again. Actually, they are treating others in as poor a fashion as they believe they were treated in the past.

Control can be the mode of operation of one who believes that at one point in his life he was taken advantage of & that'll never happen again. By his emotional passivity he often incurs the wrath of others in his life who can't break thru the "guard all'' shield.

9. Power is the mode of operation of people who desire to make their beliefs of what reality is become the reality. They take charge in order to reorganize their existence to become the expression of what they believe life should be. They take over to ensure that their "reality'' becomes the "reality'' of others.

Control is the mode of operation of one who desires to make his beliefs of what reality is become his reality. He controls himself in order to retain his existence as the expression of what he believes his life should be. He takes control of his life to ensure that his "reality'' is the "reality'' for himself.

10. Power is ensuring that people get their way, even if manipulation, conning, lying, deceit & dishonesty need to be used.

It may result in their eventually getting their way; it could also result in their being exposed as people who'd do anything to get things their way, ultimately losing all power.

Control is ensuring that one continues to see life his way, even if he needs to use self-manipulation, self-conning, lying to self, self-deceit & dishonesty to self.

It may result in the eventual maintenance of his own view of life; however, it could result in such deep self-deception that he no longer can perceive the difference between what's real & what isn't real.

What's the difference between physical & emotional power & control?

A. Physical power & control are:

• Attempts to exert influence over the external things, persons & events of life.

• The external behavior that revolves around how problems concerning issues, conflicts & mistakes are resolved in the outside world.

• The visible aftermath of involvement in the handling of objects, materials, resources & personnel.

• Represented by symbols of status, position & placement in the hierarchy of life.

• Clearly recognized by those upon whom they're being used.

B. Emotional power & control are:

• Attempts to influence inner feelings, emotions, beliefs, attitudes, values and thoughts of others (power) or ourselves (control).

• The inner personal behavior engaged in when individuals deal with issues, conflicts, or mistakes. The inner behavior can be oriented to others (power) or to self (control).

• The not so obvious aftermath of involvement in the handling of objects, materials, resources & personnel where the emotions of others (power) or ourselves (control) are affected.

• Represented by symbols of emotional suppression, depression, negativity, pessimism, low self-esteem, insecurity, discouragement in others (power) or in ourselves (control).

• Less clearly recognized when they're used because they are used in manipulative ways on others (power) or on ourselves (control).

Using Your Honor to Influence Others

What are some typical beliefs of people who utilize power & control?

A. Beliefs of people utilizing physical power 

• I'm the greatest!

• People should listen to me!

• People should respect me!

• I have the answer to everyone's problems!

• There's no problem I can't solve!

• Everyone around here is a jerk!

• I'm the only one who knows what's happening around here!

• They can't survive without me!

• There's only one way to do thing! My way!

• Might makes right!

B. Beliefs of people utilizing physical control

What negative consequences result from overuse of power & control?

A. People who overuse power can:

Find their designated "underlings'' resentful of being subjected to the "put down'' of the power people.

• Effect a revolt by those subjected to being ignored, blamed, accused, abused emotionally, neglected, or belittled.

Find it difficult to establish mature adult relationships.

• Become socially isolated, often being seen as egotistical, obnoxious, poor sports & as people who want things only their way.

Be oblivious to the nonverbal feedback from others, isolating themselves all the more.

• Believe that they're the center of their universe, eventually becoming so caught up in this belief that they have a distorted perception of reality. They work hard at instituting this perception in their sphere of influence, be it in a relationship, family, social group, at work, or in the community.

Believe that they're all knowing, infallible, all powerful, lacking the common sense to avoid problems, issues, or conflicts outside of their level of competence. Eventually they experience a setback or downfall that can precipitate a crisis of major proportion.

• Develop a list of opponents or competitors whose major role in life is to bring about the downfall of the power person. Thru chronic competition for control, chronic fights & arguments, the power person's effectiveness & efficiency is hurt until, having little or no energy left to continue battling for control, the power person gives up.

Become so busy defending themselves from others that they eventually lose contact with their own feelings & experience a sense of disassociation from themselves. 

B. Over-controlling people can:

• Become anxious working for anyone except for themselves, because they're experienced in maintaining control in their early family lives in order to survive a chaotic environment, finding it difficult to accept direction from others later.

Keep their feelings hidden so well & for so long that others become frustrated leading to the others rejecting, becoming angry with, fighting with, attacking, nagging & complaining to them.

• By their passivity, affect those people in their lives who take a more active, open, emotional & verbal role in life. This can eventually lead to the controlling people being made the object of scorn, being blamed for all problems, being misjudged as to their intentions, being misunderstood & being seen as the "sick'' persons.

Find it hard to understand other's reactions to their behavior. They often get confused about the behavior addressed at them, becoming overly sensitive to this feedback or become so insensitive that they avoid, reject, or ignore others.

• Get themselves into trouble because of their need to avoid conflict, avoid disapproving situations & avoid taking risks. The others in their lives respond opposite to the wishes of the controlling people. This results in increased conflict, increased disapproval, or the need to take new risks to resolve the problems.

Become quiet or silent when arguments arise. This silence typically arouses the anger of the others who desire dialogue or confrontation. This can arouse a greater conflict than what the original issue deserves.

• Become the target of attacks from others for their lack of sharing, lack of openness, lack of communication, lack of emotional awareness, lack of warmth & caring, lack of support & lack of response.

These attacks usually succeed in convincing the controlling people that they were correct in controlling their lives & they escape deeper into their shells.

Be so self-protective that they become social isolates, incapable of connecting with anyone in their lives.

• Be so caught up in denial that they're unable to solve problems. They lack the social competence & skills necessary to confront problems; therefore, they become overwhelmed by the very troubles which they deny exist.

Be so defensive that it's impossible to have a mature adult relationship with them. They often give the others in their lives so much power over themselves that they're in a permanent "one down'' position.

Steps to overcome your power &/or controlling behaviors

• My behavior is characterized by:

• physical power

• emotional power

• physical control

• emotional control

• The beliefs accounting for my behavior include:

• The negative consequences I experience as a result of my use of power/control include:

Step 2: List specific problems you have experienced as a result of the use of power/control.

The problems I experience:

• In my relationships due to my power/control behavior include:

• In my family due to my power/control behavior include:

• On the job (or at school) due to my power/control behavior include:

• In the community due to my power/control behavior include:

Step 3: For each of the problems identified in Step 2, list the beliefs that account for your use of power/control:

Step 4: List each problem from Step 2 in priority order. Record the following in your journal:

a. Identify the obstacles to resolving this problem

b. Use the irrational belief refutation model in  Tools for Personal Growth, to refute the beliefs leading to your use of power/control. List your replacement beliefs:

c. Using the problem-solving model in  Tools for Relationships, for each problem & detail a plan to implement realistic solutions.

d. Identify behavior, beliefs, attitudes & feelings that need to be changed in order to resolve the problem. Take the steps necessary to experience change & growth.

Step 5: Use Step 4 on each problem identified in Step 3.

If after dealing with each problem you still suffer with power &/or control issues, return to Step 1 & begin again.

Manifesting Our Inner Potential

Robert Elias Najemy

A seeker asks,

"I want to make a difference in the world, but there are so many causes crying for attention that I feel overwhelmed. I don't know where to put my energy to have the greatest impact. Where do I begin?"

Lynn Answers:

There's no one "right" place to begin. Each of us has a different starting place & the place where we'll be of greatest service has to do with where we most want to give. If we want to have an impact on the world around us, it's important to identify what I think of as our "Area of Power."

Our Area of Power is where we feel the most passion to act & have the most faith that results are possible.

If we pray for world peace, but have no vision of what this would look like & no faith that our prayers will help, our impact is less than if we pray for peace & harmony in our own family with a clear picture of what this means & excitement that healing is possible.

Without faith that we can make a difference, our power to help is diminished.

Let the hand of Spirit move the mountain.

Spiritual work of this sort has been demonstrated to have a powerful effect.

Numerous studies have shown, i.e., that prayer speeds up the healing process, even in people who don't know they're receiving prayers. (For an excellent compilation of research on the power of prayer, see Larry Dossey's book, Healing Words.)

Know that your gift is having an effect whether or not you see results in the way you want to. Healing is often like a seed that, once planted, remains invisible & dormant for a time until the growing season arrives. And when growth happens, it may not reflect your agenda.

Step 5: Take Action

Do the above spiritual work before deciding on a course of action. Prayer often eliminates steps & helps direct us to the action that will do the most good.

Again, in deciding what action to take, follow your heart. Find the action that feels joyful to do & know that even the smallest action when it has spiritual power behind it makes a difference.

Let go of judgments about the worthiness or importance of the action you take. Self-importance will diminish your spiritual power as will a lack of faith in yourself.

Over the years I've encountered many spiritual teachers & leaders of social change. There are a few who stick in my mind as especially powerful.

However, along with the movers & shakers who are working in an obvious way to heal the world, there have been people who I've been just as deeply moved by in spite of their humble activities.

One such person is a woman I regularly encountered in my former hometown of Baltimore when I bought gas. She worked in a small Plexiglas booth between gas pumps on a busy stretch of city street in a neighborhood considered unsavory. Her job certainly wasn't glamorous, easy or overtly aimed at world healing.

Yet she had an aura about her. Her smile was authentic & heartfelt whether it was to a polite elderly person or an intoxicated troublesome one.

She seemed to create a ripple of peace around her in this chaotic atmosphere. More than once my encounter with her changed my day significantly for the better. It's hard to know how profoundly she affects the world around her thru these simple emanations of love.

My guess is that her impact is considerable & so can yours be.

Lynn Woodland is the author of "Power, Effectiveness & Spirit." Please visit her website at http://www.lynnwoodland.com

Tapping into Your Super Creative Power - By Avish Parashar

Do you consider yourself creative? How about super creative? Most people may not think of themselves as creative, but I believe that everyone has the potential for great creativity. They just need a little understanding & practice.

Think of two parts of the mind: the conscious & the subconscious. The conscious is the part that thinks. It's the part that you're aware of. The subconscious handles everything else. Your bodily functions, sensory input, memories, feelings, associations & more are all handled by the subconscious.

The subconscious is much more powerful than the conscious. The subconscious handles thousands of things every minute. The conscious mind can only focus on one. Even when you think you multi-task, you're actually switching your focus very quickly between different things.

The real power of creativity lies in the subconscious. Your creativity comes out of all the things you aren't aware of - memories you don't remember, things you have seen but haven't noticed & feelings within you that naturally occur. All of your new great ideas are lying inside of your subconscious, right now. The trick is in figuring out how to access them.

Most people have a lot of 'gunk' (no, that's not a scientific term) inside of them. The first step towards getting to that creative subconscious part is to clear that gunk out of the way. So how does a person do that? There are many ways, but here we'll talk about two common ways: meditating & Journaling.

Meditation has the reputation of being mystical & religious. For our purposes, meditation is just sitting in silence. This sounds simple, but it's very difficult. In our society we are constantly bombarded with input - TV, radio, the Internet, other people, etc. As a result, we never sit in silence with ourselves. When you first meditate, your mind will race.

These thoughts are what's in your conscious mind & as long as they're there you aren't getting in touch with your subconscious. The key here is to relax & let those thoughts go. This will seem impossible at first, but practice it. Start small, with 5 minutes a day & work your way up.

Journaling is similar to meditating in that you're trying to get past conscious thoughts. Journaling is simply writing your thoughts down.

Unlike keeping a diary, though, the kind of Journaling we're talking about is free flow writing where your pen never stops moving & you don't care about what you write.

When you start, it's ok to write 'I have nothing to write' over & over until something comes up. Don't censor yourself & don't let your pen stop. It's best to journal in the morning, before your conscious mind has been filled with events of the day.

Journaling should be done by hand, not on the computer. When you write, try to fill 3 pages. The first page or two will be basic conscious stuff you need to get out of your mind. Filling 3 pages helps get past all that.

For a good deal more on Journaling, read 'The Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron.

If you want to start tapping into your creativity, start clearing out your gunk. Start doing some meditating (sitting in silence) or morning journaling everyday. It won't have an immediate effect, but over time it'll make you immensely powerful.

How to Be Strong & Powerful by Susan Dunn

We are all too aware of when someone is authentic & when they're phony & no one wants to willingly follow someone they can’t trust. There’s that word again – trust. We trust people who are constant, predictable & under good self-management. What’s the bottom line?

Being strong & powerful refers to inner strength & power over yourself. No one can manage, lead or influence someone else if they, themselves, are out-of-control. Developing your emotional intelligence is the single best thing you can do if you want to develop your leadership skills.

Personal Power

Behold what lies within you!

A young family was seated at the table next to me in a coffee shop. The mother cradled an infant in her arms. Peacefully asleep, the infant would sporadically burst into smiles just as a spring landscape bursts into flowers.

The effect of the infant on the crowd waiting to be served was magical. Ice was freshly scraped from the windows of the cars parked outside the coffee shop. But inside, it was spring all over again. Everyone who saw the infant was glowing with smiles. Blissfully dozing, the baby was unaware of its power. It had changed the first cold day of winter into spring again.

Behold what lies inside an infant & inside you. What is it that lies at the core of our being? A great power. The power of creation & transformation. Ralph Waldo Emerson pleaded with us not to forget this fact when he wrote,

"What lies behind you & what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you."

Regrettably, some of us are like the infant, asleep & unaware of our great power. It's sad to see power for good go wasted & tragic to see power for evil used unintentionally. If we're unaware of our power to bring joy into the lives of others, it goes wasted. When we are unaware of our power to hurt others, we may do so with criticism, complaints & cruel remarks.

So, it's important for us to be aware of our power. What distinguishes us from stones is our capacity to act. What distinguishes us from animals is our ability to act willfully, or as we choose.

Merely to BE is to have potential, but ACTION is potential realized. It's by our actions that we create ourselves & change the world. Our power is to be used, not abused. It isn't for controlling others, but for reigning over ourselves. And we gain control of it thru self-discipline. Our personal power is the wind beneath our wings. It enables us to soar to new heights.

As a writer, do I have any power? Not without an audience. If I could perform surgery, would I have any power? Not without patients. You see, another aspect of power is that it's a transaction, an exchange. We need each other to share power. So, power isn't about competition. This is what the interim government of Afghanistan must keep in mind. For, as President Woodrow Wilson said, "There must be, not a balance of power, but a community of power; not organized rivalries, but an organized peace."

Let’s leave politics & return to our own lives. What are some of the steps we can take to manifest our power & gain control over our destiny? We can begin by discarding limiting beliefs. When we were children, it might have been appropriate to believe "I can’t." But now, as adults, it’s time to recognize "I can."

In fact, it’s time to go beyond that & say, "I WILL!" After all, to say CAN is merely to state you have potential, but to say WILL is to take the first step in actualizing that potential by taking action. Until she was 37, Phyliss Diller was a cleaning woman. But after reading Claude Bristol’s book "The Magic of Believing," she let go of her limiting beliefs & starting saying "I WILL!" And she did! By the way, this is the same book that inspired Liberace.

To reclaim our personal power, we need to apply critical thinking. We can do this by being skeptical & by questioning our thoughts. Are you unhappy with your current state of affairs?

If so, ask yourself, is it because I’m powerless or is it because I THINK I’m powerless? What do people who think they're powerless do? They give up!

What do people who believe they're powerful do when they’re in unpleasant circumstances? They look for ways out. And what happens to people who look for solutions? Bingo! You’re right!

People who look for solutions, find them! Don’t regurgitate the negative thoughts that others spoon-fed you, but follow the examples of those who are in charge of their lives. Feed yourself positive thoughts, recognize your own power & set out to accomplish whatever inspires you.

Mahatma Gandhi, who weighed as little as 107 pounds when he was fasting, said,

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

His words are a reminder that our problems are not due to a lack of power, but a lack of will. Although it’s said that knowledge is power, true power arises from the will to act. Robert Lindner describes it this way,

"What a person wills & not what they know determines their worth or unworth, power or impotence, happiness or unhappiness."

If we aren't yet what we wish to become, how can we become so without changing? Change involves effort or discomfort. We need to step outside our comfort zone. This is the primary purpose of personal power.

Life isn't a walk in the park. It's a walk in the bushes. As we move forward, we get entangled in thorns & thistles, stumble over rocks & get scratched as we squeeze thru tight places. But the exhilaration & joy that the journey brings makes the struggle eminently worthwhile.

The Greek writer Nikos Kazantzakis (1883-1957) wrote,

"I said to the almond tree, ‘Friend, speak to me of God,’ & the almond tree blossomed."

How better to know God than to blossom? For when we blossom we do His work. What work is that? We empower others as he empowers us. And we serve by example, for the greatest power for good is the power of example. Also, we grow flowers in the garden of life by inspiring, encouraging & motivating others so they burst into bloom too.

The world is our home. So, naturally we want to improve it. That’s why we improve ourselves. Ultimately, the proper use of personal power is a duty. For as Henri Frederic Amiel (1821-1881) wrote,

"Our duty is to be useful, not according to our desires, but according to our powers."

In his January 20, 1989 inaugural address, President Bush said, "There's but one just use of power & it's to serve people." So, what are we waiting for? Let’s reenergize our personal power & serve others to the best of our abilities.

Fire Up Your Personal Power Thru Positive Inner Dialogue - By Song Chengxiang

The power of inner dialogue.

Are you aware of your inner dialogue? If not, you can be aware of it at this moment. Just get quiet & listen, there's a voice inside you that's constantly talking to you all the time.

If you've ignored the power of this little voice, you've been missing a great tool for developing your personal power.

Your inner dialogue can be good or bad. If you have a positive thinking habit, your inner dialogue most likely is positive & you'll be very fortunate to enjoy the joy of positive living.

Unfortunately, most people don't have a positive thinking habit; their inner dialogues are negative. Although they're working hard to improve their situations, they're literally pulling themselves back all the time & wondering why there seems to be no progress.

How much success & how much fulfillment you get in your life is directly promotional to the quality of your inner dialogue.

Since the inner dialogues are so important to your personal development, we really need to have a better understanding of the roles it plays.

Our inner dialogue is doing constant judgment & evaluation.

Whatever we see, hear or sense, our inner dialogue will give us a judgment of good or bad, right or wrong, based on our past experiences. This is very important for our survival. If you see a snake, your inner dialogue will tell you it's dangerous, if you see a flower, your inner dialogue will tell you it's beautiful. Your inner dialogue plays a role of guardian, protecting you from dangers.

However this inner dialogue isn't always helpful when it comes to developing your personal power.

Do you have a habit of saying the word "can't". If you do, I suggest you eliminate this word from your language. This may be the most valuable suggestion I can give you. BE CAREFUL when your inner dialogue is telling you that you can't do something.

To protect you from danger, your inner dialogue has the tendency to avoid doing new things. Its intention is good, it's trying to protect you, but at the same time, it gives you too much limitation.

In order to grow, you must take new challenges, learn to do new things. Suppose you want to make a million dollars but you never did this before, you search the entire database of your past experiences stored in your mind & couldn't succeed to find a way.

Your inner dialogue will conclude "You Can't". It'll try hard to convince you that what it says is true, because it doesn't want you to be in danger.

However, in reality you must learn new skills & new mindset of a millionaire in order to have the new experience of making a million dollars. You'll never find the solution in your old database.

Replace negative inner dialogue with positive ones

Don't take it for granted for whatever your inner dialogue tells you. Think it one step further. Is that what it says really true? Be aware of your negative inner dialogue & replace it with positive ones. That's all you have to do to achieve a successful & more fulfilled life.

Since it's so simple, why isn't everybody doing it?

There's only one reason & that is not everyone knows what's good & what isn't good. This may sound like non-sense, but it's true.

The majority of people don't know what's good for them & what isn't. When people have a problem, they go out to seek for solutions. They buy books, go to seminars, seek for mentor ships, & hopefully these will solve their problems. Unfortunately, these things will never solve all their problems, unless they...

Change the approach.

Only when they realize that the solution isn't outside of them, but inside of them, they'll start to solve their problems. If you forget everything I talked to you so far, remember this "There's a solution inside you to every one of your problems."

You don't have to go outside to seek for solutions; the solution is already inside you. There is a part of you that is eternal, which knows answers to all your problems.

You only need to get connected to it. Listen to this eternal part of you & you'll never have any problems. This part of you knows what is good for you & what isn't, because it knows how the entire universe works, indeed it's the universe itself.

I don't want to confuse you by talking too much about your eternal self, or true self, I only want you to know you can have access to this huge power of the universe. When you have it, nothing is beyond your reach.

Listen to your true self more & more, you'll know the right answers more & more. Eventually, you'll replace your negative inner dialogue with positive ones. You don't have to work hard on this, it happens automatically once you get into the habit of listening to your true self.

To help you speed up this process, I'd like to share with you a technique I learned from Dr Deepak Chopra.

Positive inner dialogue exercise.

Every time you look into a mirror, make eye contact with your image & repeat silently the following sentences.

(1). I'm totally independent of the good or bad opinions of others.

(2). I'm beneath no one.

(3) I'm fearless in the face of any & all challenges.

These are some of the best inner dialogue you can have. Repeat them often; make them deeply embedded in your subconscious mind. You'll see your life change automatically.

Personal Power Doesn't Require Anger

Dear Neil: Thanks for your recent column on anger. What’s been fascinating for me is to realize how ill-equipped I am to having any reaction other than anger or feeling like a doormat.

Learning to rein in anger is freeing, but if people who have relied on anger for power don’t have any other readily available choices besides capitulating, it can lead to a crippling sense of impotence & powerlessness.

Without my anger, I became a neutered person around my wife, because I simply don't have the skills to find an alternative between my anger & submission.

I’d love to see you write about how I can find my power w/out resorting to anger. 

Curious In Boulder

Dear Boulder:  Your first & most important solution is to know what your feelings & needs are & to effectively communicate them to your wife before you get angry or reactive.  If you do that, you don’t have to resort to anger in order to speak up about what you feel, need or want. 

So when you first notice you’re beginning to get angry & before you allow yourself to get really worked up & hostile, take a brief (30 minute) time out & ask yourself the following questions: 

• What else am I feeling other than anger right now? 

• How vulnerable do I feel?  About what? 

• Am I feeling shamed?  About what? 

• Am I feeling criticized, judged or inadequate?  About what?  

• Might this anger be deliberate, as a device for getting my way, or for distancing when things get too close, intimate or threatening? 

• Am I attempting to cover up my feelings of inadequacy  or low self-esteem with my anger?

Secondly, challenge yourself to communicate your emotions in a more skilled, effective fashion, by addressing these questions with your wife: 

Sticks & Stones

The following excerpt is from the self help psychology book, Be Your Own Therapist.

Power Struggle! - By Joseph Ghabi

The greatest asset we have in human existence is our soul growth, but somehow we have that confused with becoming powerful. Power doesn't bring growth unless we understand the essence of sharing that power.

The struggle for power is a main characteristic in basically all of our relationships. The main types of relationships I recognize & have categorized into 3 main groups for you are:

• work relationships
• family relationships 
• emotional relationships

The way I can understand & relate to when it comes to our relationships is as follows, a relationship is basically the cooperation between any 2 people, on whatever level they're working on. Very simple, yet it’s apparently very hard for most of us to deal with in our lives.

In many instances as we can see, cooperation between those people involved in the relationship tends to exist as a power struggle, in terms of who will succeed in gaining control or domination over the other person in order to meet their own needs or requirements.

In such a case, the dominant one is losing his or her growth & in effect, the victim is achieving the growth of both people involved in that relationship. What do I mean by that? Think about it! We do obtain a greater amount of grow in experiencing a bad situation.

When you're the abuser, it's a likely case that in reality, you don't understand yourself what you're doing. Many of the people who have been a victim of abuse are carrying the burden of a situation or circumstance they grew up in, in terms of being abused.

They might not have been granted any chance to learn how to understand, accept & deal with this experience of being abused. In effect, they don't know any better, but at the same time they're going backward in their own life until they begin to understand the experience & their lesson fully.

Unfortunately for those who are being or have been abused, this is a process of which they had to go thru. In some instances it's part of Karma, but the lesson to be learnt here is how to handle the situation & get out of it without being hurt & having a deeper scar than that intended in the first place.

In this case the abuser will gain much more in their understanding of the experience unless, of course, they choose not to learn their lesson. I'd like to put this into perspective because in certain situations where the abuser has become accustomed to being abused & complaining about his/her situation, it's eventually taken for granted as being an easy way of bringing attention to themselves & to gain sympathy from others.

However, that'll eventually lead to becoming a pattern & a vicious circle.

We can choose to either complain as much we like about our situation or we can do something to try to improve it. It's up to you to be the judge in your own situation. At the end of the day, we do have the power to do improve our lives & achieve our growth it isn't up to anyone else to change that.

Have we ever wondered why we feel the need to control our partner? If this is the case, why are we in the relationship in the first place? Are we trying to prove something to ourselves, in order to fill the gap of something that's lacking?

Perhaps we need that extra confidence that we think we're achieving when we're in control of someone else’s life, making him or her feel insecure as a result of that domination. I believe there are many possible reasons & many questions & their answers come from the need to look to our inner selves in the first place.

In many relationships of our time & from what we can see with the people in our surroundings, we become able to evaluate the way they respond to conflicts or harsher situations in their lives. The initial response & what appears to be an ‘easy escape’ is that we always tend to shift the blame to the other person involved & claim we have nothing to do with the incident in the first place.

We like to proclaim that he or she was manipulating our weakness or our self-confidence & used it as a weapon against us. This may be the case, but we do have responsibility for ourselves & should NOT allow for such treatment to take place.

One thing I personally can't understand is why we allow our emotions to overpower our rational mind when the people around us who really do care are constantly reminding us we should leave the situation that is bringing us pain & hurting, but we choose not to listen to anyone.

Many people have told me “it's easier said than done!’ I don’t think so! When we're in any situation where we can see no apparent opportunity of growth in that relationship, but we choose to stay anyway even though we're being hurt in the process, well, there's no excuse!

Sometimes we're afraid of leaving, this may well be the case, but we need to find out why we're afraid & what it is exactly we're afraid of. That might help!!!

It's apparent to me that on most occasions our pride & ego are taking the best out of us in terms of accepting humility, which is essential sometimes & will enable us to put our life back in order when we see the truth from a different perspective.

When we're able to drop the ego & pride, we do see the situation in a whole new light. There's nothing wrong in being humiliated from time to time & when necessary because that'll build up our self-confidence to move forward in life with a new understanding & awareness in light of the situation.

Another problem that I feel occurs frequently when dealing with relationships is that we always seem to have a hard time in letting go of the previous experience we passed thru. The ‘letting go’ is an essential factor here & must be fulfilled in order to allow any new experience to take effect in our lives. In reality we'll never go backwards in life unless we allow it to happen. The choice is in our own hand.

Letting go is the most important factor of our growth & we must learn to master the art of ‘letting go’ to break ourselves free by accepting the experience as being just an experience for what it really is & most importantly, without keeping any bitterness in our hearts which can take control in our next relationship.

The only way we can move on & allow new opportunities for growth to come into our life is by investing in our next relationship instead of withdrawing due to us being afraid of getting hurt. That thought alone will bring the experience to you because you're asking for it in the first place. Whatever we project will become our own reality.

It's about time that we stop & take a moment to look to our lives from a totally different & detached perspective, especially when we see things are still happening in the same way year after year. Haven’t you asked yourself the question yet? Why am I stagnating in my life?

You hold the answers to any question you have. Isn’t it time to start looking in a different way when it comes to our relationships? If you think you're happy so far in your relationships, yet, you still find means to complain then you really aren't happy.

Try to introduce the word “change” as a part of your vocabulary! Trust me our only mystery in life is in learning to understand ourselves. We're tough when it comes to dealing with ourselves, but why?

We try to create an image, in fact, in most cases, a fake image of how we'd like people to see us for what we are on the outside but in reality we're dying from the inside. What is it that we're hoping to achieve from this?

It seems the result is usually always at our own expense! Look at your life & try to bring yourself back down to earth to enable yourself to evaluate your life accordingly.

On a final note, being in relationship with no depth of communication between the 2 souls involved is rather like not being in a relationship at all!

I'd like you to take a look around one day when you're in a restaurant. Observe the people around you, particularly those who are in as a couple. Of, course they're sharing the same table, but each individual might seem to be ‘somewhere else’ in their own thoughts & with no exchange of conversation except perhaps “how is your food dear?”

Is that really a true relationship? Maybe in some peoples opinion, but I don't think so. The way we've been taught & how we've become used to evaluating our relationships in many cases is wrong & is an example that seems to mislead us into following inaccurate examples.

Joseph Ghabi
The Free Spirit Centre
http://www.freespiritcentre.info

Dealing With Power Struggles
- by Karan Sims

Most parents first experience their child's attempts at autonomy at about age 2. They feel challenged & often a battle of wills begins that lasts throughout childhood & the teen years. Parents can turn these trying times into a rewarding growth period for them & their children by shifting their perspective concerning the child's behavior & by becoming clever & creative in responding to the child's perceived "headstrong, rebellious, stubborn, frustrating, negative" behavior.

Empowering not Overpowering

Instead of viewing children's willful behavior as "bad" & reacting in a way that overpowers the child, parents can view this behavior as a healthy positive sign of their child's development & find ways to empower the child.

From about the age of 2 & at differing intervals in the developmental process, children are individuating from their parents & the world around them. This includes making decisions for themselves, exerting their power & will on persons & situations, getting their own way, declaring ownership & authority.

When parents react by overpowering children, they cause them to feel powerless. Since all humans strive to feel powerful, the overpowered child may react to his or her feelings of powerlessness by either fight or flight - either giving in & letting others make all the decisions & maintain all control or fighting to seek power thru rebellious & destructive behaviors.

Parents who can shift to seeing their child's struggle for power as a positive sign can find useful ways for the child to feel powerful & valuable & deal with power struggles in ways that reduce fighting & create cooperative relationships that empower both the child & the parents.

The First Step is to Side-Step

The first step to effectively & positively deal with power struggles is to side-step the power struggle - in other words, refuse to pick up the other end of the rope.

A mother asked her 2 year-old if she was ready for a nap. "NO" replied the child. Feeling challenged, the mother replied, "Do you want to walk to your bed or do you want me to carry you?" "I want you to carry me upside down & tickle me as we go."

The mother realized that the "no" was an invitation to join a power struggle & by side-stepping it (neither fighting nor giving in) the mother created an ending that was happy, nurturing & loving rather than hateful & painful as nap time can often be.

By side-stepping the power struggle, you send your child the message "I'm not going to fight with you. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to overpower you & I'm not going to give in, either."

Choices, Not Orders

After side-stepping the power struggle, the next step is to give choices, not orders. A father, trying to change an 18-month-olds diaper, against the wishes of the child, offered the child a choice of which room to have the change made.

The child chose a room, but once in the room, balked again at the diaper change. The father continued with his plan to empower the child & asked, "Which bed?" The child pointed to a bed, the diaper was changed & the ongoing power struggle about diaper changes was ended.

When giving children choices, parents must be sure that all choices are acceptable. Don't give your child the choice of either sitting down quietly or leaving the restaurant if you have no intention of leaving.

Also be sure you don't give too many "autocratic" choices. Autocratic choices are choices are choices that are so narrow the child senses no freedom at all. Young children benefit from having some choices narrowed, but try to give broad & open-ended choices whenever possible.

Choices shouldn't represent a punishment as one alternative. For example, telling a child "You may either pick up the toys or take a time-out" creates fear & intimidation instead of empowerment.

Find Useful Ways for your Child to be Powerful

Whenever you find yourself in the middle of a power struggle with your child, ask yourself, "How can I give my child more power in this situation?"

One mother asked herself this question concerning an endless battle she was having with her son about buckling his seat belt. Her solution was that she made him boss of the seat belts - it became his job to see that everyone was safely secured. The power struggle ended.

Do the Unexpected

One parent side-steps power struggles by announcing "let’s go out for a treat" when she feels the situation is headed for a showdown. Her purpose isn't to "reward" bad behavior, but to reestablish her relationship with her children & keep her end goal of a close, loving & cooperative atmosphere in mind.

Getting to Win-Win

Power struggles often feel like someone has to win & someone has to lose. A win-win solution is where each party comes away feeling like they got what they wanted. Getting to win-win takes negotiation. Parents can assist their children by responding to a child’s demands, "That sounds like a good way for you to win. And I want you to win. But I want to win, too. Can you think of a solution that works for both of us?"

Handling "NO"

Parents often have the attitude that children shouldn't say NO to or question authority. However, it's interesting that most of us parents buy into the media campaign of "Just Say No." It is best to hear a child’s NO as a disagreement rather than a disrespectful response. Teach children to say NO, or disagree, respectfully & appropriately. Keep in mind that you want them to say NO when faced with peer pressure & inappropriate situations.

Powerlessness Creates Revenge

Children who are overpowered, or who feel powerless, will often seek to gain power thru revenge. They'll seek to hurt others as they feel hurt & will often engage in behavior that ultimately hurts themselves.

• Revenge at age 2 & 3 looks like talking back & messy food spills.
• Revenge at age 16 or 17 looks like drug & alcohol abuse, pregnancy, failure, running away & suicide.

When children act out in power struggles & revengeful behavior, they're most often feeling powerless & discouraged about a positive way to contribute & know that their actions count.

Most parents’ goals are to raise a child who becomes a self-reliant adult, can make good decisions & has the confidence to be whatever he or she chooses. Your child will see the future that future more clearly if you allow him or her to practice at being powerful in useful & appropriate ways.

Karan Sims is a Redirecting Children’s Behavior instructor for the International Network for Children and Families.

Teens shifting balance of power

Things worked out fine. But the shift in roles left Jim Fatigati a little uneasy.

"I don't know if I gave her the real numbers," he says of the salary & signing bonus at his new job. "We try not to let our kids know the real numbers."

"I know them," Nikki quickly chimes in. "I filled them in on the things for financial aid."

"True," her father says.

It's almost unfathomable to Jim Fatigati how much his kids know. He thinks of his own teen years & can't conceive of his father talking to him then about job decisions or family finances.

"I was deathly afraid of my father," he says. "Deathly."

Even a few years ago, he couldn't have imagined he'd be so open with his own kids. Now, he says, it's just the way things are.

More power for teens

The balance of power in American families is shifting. Whether ready for the responsibility or not, teenagers are taking the leading role in many families. Teens might have always thought their views mattered as much as those of their parents. Now, more than ever, their parents agree.

That's a conclusion being drawn by experts in a range of fields, including child development & psychology, sociology, education & consumer marketing, who say they have seen the shift noticeably take hold in just the past few years.

It's also a conclusion backed by hundreds of interviews conducted by Chicago Sun-Times reporters in an unscientific but varied sampling of city & suburban high school students, their parents, siblings & teachers.

Ranging from 14 to 18 years old, the students attend Curie Metropolitan High School on the Southwest Side; Glenbard South High School in Glen Ellyn; John Hersey High School in Arlington Heights; Highland Park High School; Homewood-Flossmoor Community High School in Flossmoor; Lane Technical High School on the North Side; Mother McAuley Liberal Arts High School on the South Side; Mount Carmel High School on the South Side & Naperville North High School.

This new teen empowerment isn't true for every teenager & every family in every situation. But it's increasingly common, experts say, for teenagers to be part of the discussion - even to cast the deciding vote - on the sorts of big family decisions in which they might have had little say even a decade ago, such as where to live, what major appliances to buy, how to decorate, how to manage the family finances, even what job a parent should take.

Experts say the shifting balance of family power is the result, at least in part, of less-authoritarian parenting styles.

They're not sure what impact it will have when these teenagers have their own children, nor even whether it's a good thing.

"Parents are no longer eager to be 'parents.' They want to love & guide their children as a trusted friend," is how Robert Billingham, a professor of human development & family studies at Indiana University, puts it. "The jury is still out on whether this is actually an effective form of parenting."

Many of the teenagers interviewed said they love having a voice in big decisions. They talk about things like how, instead of begging to borrow the car keys from Mom or Dad, they're telling them which car to buy - & their parents are listening.

Many also expressed anxiety because they aren't sure they're ready for so much responsibility. In looking at their own lives, they help to paint a portrait of a generation of teenagers that may be like no other before it.

More say on home, spending

Sue Marsland, of Rubloff Residential Properties in Chicago, says many of her customers are moving because their teenage kids asked them to. They've picked a magnet or private school & want to live nearby, Marsland says & their parents appear increasingly likely to defer to them.

More than 40% of teens see their opinions as "very important" in making family decisions, according to a recent survey by Teenage Research Unlimited. "This is something we've started to see only in the last 2 or 3 years," says the Northbrook firm's Rob Callender.