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Your dictionary definition of:

pres·sure

The act of pressing.
The condition of being pressed.

The application of continuous force by one body on another that it is touching; compression.

Abbr. P Physics. Force applied uniformly over a surface, measured as force per unit of area.

Meteorology. Atmospheric pressure.

A compelling or constraining influence, such as a moral force, on the mind or will: pressure to conform; peer-group pressure.

Urgent claim or demand: under the pressure of business; doesn't work well under pressure.

An oppressive condition of physical, mental, social, or economic distress.

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Thursday, June 30, 2005

COMMUNITY VOICES: Kerem Durdag

It was toward evening when I got home after a field hockey game, went to the kitchen and sat on our chair, looking outside our bungalow apartment.

My mother asked me about the game. I said, "We lost; and as captain of the team, it was my fault." And I showed her my shoes. Two large holes in the bottom. Because of the holes, my socks were shredded. My feet were blistered. And because of my blisters, I said, "I couldn't run like I should have."

And then she came up to me, put her soft hands on my cheek and with her thumb, nimbly wiped my tears. Then she went and got a packing box, cut it up and gave the pieces of cardboard to me, telling me to put the pieces of cardboard in my shoe, put tape on the outside and run, run like the wind.

And she said, looking straight at me, "Never forget. Never forget."

I used to get the shoes from a flea market in Karachi, specializing in used clothes and shoes discarded by diplomats. The selection was poor and size was always a problem. Over the course of the years, I got Nikes that I had to stuff wads of cloth in because they were too big and Pumas that were so small that to make them a tad more comfy, I cut slits in the side. The only time I got the perfect pair of old Adidases, they were stolen the next day; a week later, they were replaced by Converse high-tops that were on the tight side.

Later, at Saint John's University, I wore only one pair of shoes for 4 years: a pair of used Nike sneakers that were the prize jewel in my single suitcase coming to the United States. For 4 years the shoes were glued, duct-taped and stapled (oh yes, with skill, using an industrial staple gun) to be held together in various configurations.

And when I walked in line at graduation, wearing my friend's dress pants (the waist fit fairly well; the length was entirely another matter) and shirt (the arms fit well; the collar choked me), I kept on saying to myself, "Never forget."

But I do forget. We all forget. We forget because our minutes are greedily eaten by the gluttonous appetite of responsibility and the forward rush into the future. When all of us find a moment to ourselves, having put our kids to bed, having shared one private secret of the day with our wives and husbands and after having reconciled our inability to find complete fulfillment in work with our desire to hope and strive, we arrive at an oasis.

And at that oasis, we dream.

We dream about things that render the pundits' daily howl insignificant. We dream about people who were once near to us. We dream about a place and time where we were important. And at the end of the dream, we remember, with necessary selfishness, what makes us happy.

Hence, most of the time I forget how lucky I am. I am lucky because I don't have to second-guess my choice of footwear. Through a curious mix of luck, fate and faith, I came through the new Ellis Island of the 20th century (JFK Airport) and rooted myself to a country that has given birth to "The Federalist Papers," the Gettysburg Address, "Huckleberry Finn," such interesting verbal contortions as "collateral damage" and the integrated transistor circuit.

So, I whisper gratitude to the gods. And I try not to forget them. Them. Those who I grew up with. The poor, the very poor, for whom the day-to-day resiliency of their spirit is our only collective divinity.

With that desire not to forget, the vermilion anger at a forgetful world finds a focus. We forgot the butchering in Bosnia. We forgot the annihilation of Chechnya. We forgot the abyss of genocide in Rwanda. We keep on forgetting the destitution and starvation in Sudan. We keep on forgetting our common thread of human grace and decency.

But if we don't forget, we live. If we don't forget, they live.

And I don't have an easy answer. I think the secret lies in what a rickshaw driver told me the last time I was in Karachi. As we went by a building that was bombed to pieces, he said, "You lucky one, be a witness. Don't forget. Don't forget us."

In that oasis of yours, be a witness. Don't forget. Don't forget them.

Kerem Durdag is chief operating officer of a tech start-up company, BiODE, Inc., and is a published poet and translator. He lives in Scarborough with his wife and two children.

The Old Toilet Training & the New Potty Mastery
By Anita Gurian, Ph.D., and Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D.
Updated by Kathleen Kiely Gouley, Ph.D.,

Introduction

Many a parent is daunted by the thought of toilet training. Parents worry they will never get it right; they worry that if they get it wrong the child will be marked for life. The reality is that most children figure it out, even those with toileting problems.

The main things to keep in mind are:

1) the child must be ready for the task

2) the parent may need help in order for the child to achieve mastery

3) everyone needs to have a relaxed attitude about the whole process.

Real Life Stories

My mother-in-law can't understand why my son, who's 2 years old, is still wearing pull-ups. All her children trained by the time they were 2.

My son is 2 years and 3 months and he seems frightened every time he hears the water flushing in the toilet or going down the drain in the bathtub.

When my daughter was 3, she suddenly announced one day she didn't want bulky diapers, so she just decided to use the toilet and hasn't had an accident since.

What's the big deal? My twins are 5 and one of them still wets his bed at night. I know he'll stop eventually.

Toilet training: a closer look

When
Most children become physically and emotionally ready to master their urine and bowels some time between the ages of 2 and 3. At this time they are better able to control their physical urges and they want to be more grown up.

But timing is more than a date on the calendar. Children will indicate their readiness for the job by other accomplishments, such as following simple instructions in other areas of life, staying dry for longer periods of time while in diapers (a general sign of readiness is staying dry for 2 hours), making sounds and acting as if they're on the toilet and curiosity about bathroom activities.

Other signs include regular and predictable patterns of bowel movements and growing discomfort with soiled diapers and a wish to be changed. Remember, girls generally master toilet activities earlier than boys and each child has his or her own mastery time table.

Also keep in mind that daytime control often comes before nighttime dryness, so some type of diaper may be needed until round-the-clock control is accomplished by age 4 or 5.

Power
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in toilet training is the power struggle that can ensue between parent and child. Some parents may feel pressured to get the job done, which in turn can create undue pressure for the child.

It seems logical then, that one of the best ways for a child to communicate that he's upset about being pressured is to have "accidents." Some children just aren't yet ready to take this grown up step and feel the need to languish in the more infant-like state of wearing diapers.

This may be due to a cautious temperament or to some other stress in life, such as the birth of a sibling or a change to a new day care center.

Language
There is no need to find cute names for body parts or body products. Children learn the word "elbow" and can learn the words "penis" or "vagina." Urine and bowel movement are somewhat sophisticated terms and the more common "pee" and "poop" are generally accepted vocabulary.

Parents should also make an effort to differentiate these two functions when the child is learning to go to the bathroom, so they learn the difference between urinating and having bowel movements. Lastly, in the midst of training, it is best to avoid negative words like "smelly" so that the child doesn't feel embarrassed or unclean.

What to do: some approaches

Each in his or her own time
This approach advocates allowing the child to warm up to the idea. A first step is letting the child play and get used to the actual tools, the potty in particular. Have the child sit on it or even carry it around. Eventually a parent should show how it's used, have the child sit on it without clothes and even take a bowel movement from a diaper and put it in the toilet.

Many experts believe that using pull-ups can be confusing and compromise success. These new inventions are so effective that the child may not actually feel the urine or bowel movement while he is wearing them. Thus, cloth-training pants may be a better alternative.

Very recently, less absorbent diapers have also been introduced for just this reason - to provide a child "on the cusp" of toilet mastery the opportunity to feel damp after wetting. Certainly at some point, regular underwear, rather than any diaper or pull-up, may be necessary to actually help the child feel wet or soiled, thereby learning what it is they need to control. In the short term there will be accidents but they will decrease.

Organized practice
Although this approach incorporates many of the same steps and methods outlined above, many parents structure the learning in a more specific way. With this approach, parents have the child sit on the potty several times a day. The child may or may not produce any urine or bowel movement. Parents can talk about the issue at this time and make the experience generally pleasant, but the child isn't forced to use the potty.

The process is helped if the parent tracks when the child generally urinates, either in a diaper or the potty and then structures times that are most likely to yield success. Parents can also look for signs that the child needs to urinate or defecate and try to quickly get the child to the potty to help him associate the activity with the new routine.

Do it in one shot
Some advocate the (almost) one-day training. This approach was originally developed as a way to help special needs children learn mature toilet behavior, but has since been adapted for all children.

It involves setting aside 1 or 2 days for intensive training, including doll play, checking for dry pants and praise for correct behavior. Some parents are sold on the idea and some do some variation on this method. Proponents find the results to be long-lasting.

However, detractors feel there's no need to pressure the child with such an intense program and worry about the all-or-nothing goal over such a short period of time.

Rewards
Experts differ on the quantity and style of rewards for children while they're being toilet trained. One approach suggests motivating children with small tokens such as stickers immediately after a successful use of the potty.

Charts can be useful in helping children see their progress. Some children can be motivated by a reward requiring more steps, such as getting a small prize for staying dry for an entire day. And while some professionals and other parents, go the route of effusive praise and applause, others say a more nonchalant attitude can help keep the activity in perspective.

Other Help
A number of books and videos can help parents and children understand this new activity. Parents should consider the value of using themselves as models for their child and the use of doll play (with a doll that wets). Rehearsal, practice and imitative learning are powerful tools. Watching parents provides children with a chance to actually see what it is they're trying to accomplish and also gives them incentive to be "just like mom or dad."

Practicing with dolls helps orient children to the toilet mastery idea and can help a parent understand where a child stands in the process. Possibly even more important, play affords parents a way to predict trouble spots and identify a child's misconceptions.

Warning Signs

Encopresis (soiling) is the diagnosis given to an individual who passes feces in inappropriate places either with or without intent. Some estimate that it affects from 3 to 8% of the general population of children, with boys being 4 to 5 times more likely than girls to have encopresis.

According to the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual - IV, which delineates disorders, for a child to be diagnosed with this problem, he must be at least 4 years old, not have some physical or medical problems & must exhibit the problem behavior at least once a month for 3 months.

Similarly, for a child to be diagnosed with enuresis (involuntary urination) he must urinate in inappropriate places, be at least 5 years old, urinate inappropriately at least twice a week for 3 consecutive months, or have enuresis impact negatively on his life.

The diagnosis is often divided into daytime or nighttime wetting. About 40% of all 3-year-olds & possibly l5 to 20% of all 5-year-olds wet their beds at night, with boys being twice as likely as girls to be bed wetters. Daytime wetting is much less prevalent, with rates as low as 3% of 6-year-olds.

Children don't achieve bladder or bowel control for various reasons. Parents should first work with their pediatrician to rule out any physical or medical cause for a wetting or soiling problem. The possible causes for encopresis may be psychological, anatomical, physiological, or dietary.

Thus treatments for soiling are tailored to the different possible sources of the problem. Under the guidance of a professional, some combination of enemas & suppositories, reward systems, behavioral training, monitoring of fiber intake & even family therapy are usually used.

There is no clear, single cause for enuresis. Possible theories include an undeveloped bladder, a hormonal problem, a child's inability to recognize the need to urinate, or enuresis may signal that the child is under some stress.

In addition, there may be a hereditary factor. A child has a 40% chance of having enuresis if one parent had the problem & a 70% chance if both parents had the problem. For enuresis, treatment may include any & all of the following: medication, urine alarm, behavior modification, muscle control exercises, rewards & relaxation training.

For both problems, for unknown reasons, up to 15% of the children may get better without any treatment.

Should I worry that my 3-year-old son isn't toilet trained yet?

Gone are the days when experts told parents there was a magic age at which to train their child. We now realize that children develop the ability and the desire to master the toileting functions at different ages, just as they learn to walk and talk at the time that's right for them.

In fact, a recent study in the Journal of Pediatrics suggests that children whose parents start training at a younger age actually take longer to master toileting (Blum, Taubman, and Nemeth, Pediatrics, 2003).

However, just as with other developmental milestones, children do need help from their parents. A parent should decide the technique that best suits them and their child. We don't even consider it a problem until a child is at least 4 years old and hasn't achieved bowel control and 5 years old & has a problem with wetting.

My 6-year-old still has "accidents" and soils his pants. Should I make him clean it up?

A 6-year-old child with a soiling problem should be evaluated. It's important to rule out any physiological reason for the problem. Without a physical or medical cause, parents may do best with guidance from a mental health professional about setting up an appropriate behavioral plan.

One of the most important tasks for parents to do is to handle their own frustration with the child's "accidents." If a child is involved in the cleanup, it should be done without fanfare. It's best for a parent to stay calm about the situation rather than embarrass or reprimand the child.

Does it help or hurt to let my child see me going to the bathroom?

Children are master imitators. They often learn new behaviors by modeling the behavior of older siblings or parents. Children at the toddler stage are naturally curious and may benefit from actually seeing how it is done. Certain parents must keep in mind their own standards about privacy and limit exposure as children get older.

Which is best, diapers, pull-ups, or underwear?

At some point it may be necessary to actually have your child use underwear, even before he is fully trained. The problem with pull-ups and training pants are that they're almost too successful. Because the toddler doesn't feel wet, she may have difficulty making the connection between the urge to urinate and what happens.

At this in-between stage, parents may try just using the pull-ups on outings and leave the underwear for training time at home. Also, some children have been known to be quite motivated to achieve mastery when they own underwear with their favorite cartoon or movie character.

Finally, a new alternative may be diapers with less absorbency, developed for children at this age, that enables children to feel damp after wetting so that they can make the connection between physical urges and their consequences.

Should I send my 7-year-old to sleepovers even though he's still a bedwetter?

A number of issues are involved. First, it's often helpful to consult a professional about special night time training behavior or a urine alarm system. It would be unfortunate if the bedwetting problem created social problems for the child. Parents should talk to their child about the situation, find out what peers know and how the child feels about bedwetting.

Sleepovers might still be possible if the parent talks to the host parents to find out the sleeping arrangements in advance and discuss options, such as bringing a sleeping bag or even discreetly using some type of training pants at night. And certainly, one solution may be to have the sleepovers at the child's own home.

Negative body images result from college pressures

Eating disorders, self image & over-exercising plague Elon

Leanne Jernigan / Copy Editor

Jodi Poretskin, a 2003 Elon University graduate, has struggled with her body image all her life. The issue came up at the delicate age of 5 & by the time she was 11 years old Jodi had begun her first diet. When she came to Elon she became obsessive-compulsive about dieting & exercise. She is now suffering long-term, devastating effects because of her body image issues. Doctors told Poretskin she may never have children of her own.

Poretskin’s case is extreme & few Elon students have her problem, but there are some other cases that do raise awareness. Lori & Hannah are Elon students who preferred to remain anonymous in their comments for this article.

Lori is a healthy looking girl who visits the gym 5 to 6 times a week for at least an hour & a half. Lori may not have a body image issue, but she observes the culture of Elon’s fitness center & its over-zealous regulars as they fight for that “perfect body.”

Hannah participates in ROTC & dance team at Elon. One would say in terms of pressure about body image that Hannah has it the worst. Every month ROTC officers weigh her to make sure she’s “on track.” At every football & basketball game she has to face crowds of people while dancing in skin-tight unflattering costumes.

A national issue hits Elon

In a recent study it was reported that more than 1/2 of the females between the ages of 18 & 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat & 2/3 surveyed would rather be mean or stupid.

In another study conducted by an Elon student, Ashley E. Simms, who presented her work at the Student Undergraduate Research Forum found that “studies have publicized that body attractiveness is so highly cherished that it is now the single leading cause to many individuals’ lack of physical self-worth.”

“Statistics show that 91% of women attempt to control their weight by dieting,” said Annmarie Carter, a personal counselor at Elon University’s Counseling Services. “That says to me that 91% of women are dissatisfied with their body.”

“National statistics show that this is a big & growing problem on college campuses,” said Dianne Ford, a faculty adviser for Elon’s Eating & Body Image Concerns Network (EBIC).

First-year Elon students’ body image & health behaviors were assessed in a survey by Eric Hall, an assistant professor of sports medicine & exercise science. Last semester, Hall & health & human performance lecturer Resa Walch surveyed 400 freshmen about their attitudes regarding body satisfaction.

26.9% of females surveyed said they were “at least somewhat dissatisfied” with their body and 12.8% were “at least quite or extremely dissatisfied.”

“The first year is probably the most crucial year,” Hall said. “You’re getting away from a support network that was at home. We know there’s a body image problem on this campus. It’s in the culture - it’s what we see.”

The methods at Elon: Eating disorders

“Most commonly folks with an eating disorder start off with a diet - they only want to lose a few pounds,” Carter said. “It evolves to become a full blown case.”

The 2 most common eating disorders are anorexia and bulimia. Anorexia deals with a person’s refusal to gain weight, disturbance of body image and the inability to maintain a certain weight.

The individual suffering has difficulty taking in enough calories to maintain that healthy weight, oftentimes resulting in severe weight loss. It's the most fatal of all mental illnesses. The mortality rate for anorexia is between 10 - 25%.

Bulimia is generally eating large amounts of food in a short period of time, usually within a span of 2 hours, then trying to get rid of the food by various methods; purging, laxatives or over-exercising. The individual consumes more than what's considered a normal meal.

“An eating disorder is a symptom of a greater issue,” Carter said. “The most common issue is control. Eating disorders are coping mechanisms for life stresses and issues.”

Over-exercising

Excessive exercise can be labeled as “exercise dependence.” Scholars say that psychological behaviors are the basis for over-exercising.

“The method of over-exercising is on the rise,” Hall said. “One of the reasons why it’s so popular is because people view it as a positive thing, a positive behavior. There's been more and more research which shows that people over-exercise solely for weight loss and not the health benefit.”

Hall recommends that people accomplish no more than 30 minutes of moderately intense exercise most days of the week or they should exercise 3 to 5 days a week for 20 to 60 minutes. The key is that this guideline doesn’t require workout every day of the week. “The difference is in intensity level and days of rest,” Hall said. “ That’s the problem with over-exercisers - they don’t have that day off.”

Lori’s story

Some would look at Lori and disregard the notion that she has a body-image issue even though she spends probably just as much time at the gym as she does studying. Nevertheless, because she does spend so much time at the gym she sees first-hand what fellow students are going through.

“Some of the things that I see at the gym every day bother me,” Lori said. “Like people that weigh themselves constantly. I see girls weigh themselves before and after they work out.”

She also knows of people that come to the gym to workout more than once a day. “There’s this girl that I see every time I’m at the gym in the afternoon,” Lori said. “She’s so skinny. And I know she comes in the mornings too.”

The last trigger that gets Lori’s attention are students who work out with notebooks in hand. “I always see people walk around the gym with little notebooks,” Lori said. “Some of them are keeping a calorie count.”

Lori’s determination to stay fit and healthy requires her to fight for machines at the gym and try to shrug off peers who seem OCD about their own routine workout.

Hannah’s story

The biggest pressure for Hannah comes from ROTC. “It shouldn’t be that way,” she explained. “I’ve lost somewhere around 20 pounds since the beginning of the year. I still have to lose more. I’m 5' 6" and they say I need to be 142 pounds.” She says the officers tell her how much weight to lose, even at times threatening to take away her scholarship if the pounds don’t fall off.

Pressure from dance comes from a different area - her peers. There’s more of a pressure to be skinny in order to “look good” in the outfits they wear,” Hannah said. “I hate dancing now because I hate wearing those outfits. People give us a hard time about it. Girls come up to us and say rude comments about losing weight.”

“I actually sort of slipped into a depression last year because of my body-image,” Hannah said. She attributes one specific instance to triggering her obsession with her weight. It came in health class freshman year.

“We had to do physical fitness tests where the teacher measured our body fat and we had to count how many push-ups and sit-ups we could do. Stuff like that,” she said. “I could do more sit-ups and push-ups than any football player in my class, but I still fell under the ‘obese’ category according to my weight.”

Hannah looks back to last year and is proud of the progress she’s made. She is now closer than ever to ROTC’s target weight for her height.

Jodi’s story

When Poretskin came to Elon she thought her eating disorder was under control. She didn’t count on an obsessive-compulsive disorder kicking in. Feeling the pressure to be a role model, Poretskin began dieting again while her exercise routines got out of control.

“My goal became to burn more calories in a day than it was physically healthy to burn in a week,” she said.

For a 2nd time, Poretskin had to be persuaded to get professional help. After graduation she again became exercise-dependent to the point which it hindered her health. Once more she sought medical help. Poretskin is still waiting to hear from doctors if her condition might improve and she may eventually be able to have children.

How to deal with pressures of college life
Manage stress by getting enough sleep, focusing on present, eating well

By Melissa Lemorie / Staff Writer
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2004

I'm writing this on the fly between the million other things I have to do today, some of which include moving into my apartment, paying for my books, paying my rent & running around town picking up donations for a community service project.

And the reason I'm writing this on such a busy day is because my editor called me about an hour ago, frantic for content for Friday's paper (love those newspaper deadlines).

But all of this running & crunching & general madness have subsequently given me a topic for the column my editor asked me an hour ago to develop (& by the way, could I have it in tonight?)

In case you haven't figured it out by now, life is stressful & college, especially the first couple of weeks, can be especially stressful.

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. Broadly defined, stress is simply the human bodys physical, emotional & psychological response to stimuli (stressors).

A moderate amount of stress is healthy; it's what makes humans tick. It keeps us motivated & productive. Think about it: would you bother to get up & go to your 8 a.m. chemistry class if the prospect of failing it didn't freak you out even a little bit?

On the flipside, however, stress becomes detrimental when there are simply too many stressors, which subsequently cause too much stress on ones body & mind & when one lacks adequate resources to deal with the stressors & cope with the stress.

The stress response is an adaptive one developed thru thousands of years of evolution. Physiological responses include the release of hormones such as epinephrine & cortisol, both of which are toxic to body tissues with prolonged exposure.

Physical problems that can be experienced by chronically stressed individuals include compromised immune systems, fatigue & muscle pains.

Also, chronic stress is linked to the development of certain mental illnesses, such as depression & anxiety, which can increase the likelihood of a suicide attempt.

And the temporary coping mechanisms people use, such as over or under-eating, over or under-sleeping, social withdrawal or angry outbursts to friends & family, can cause weight loss or gain, exhaustion & relationship problems, adding to stressors in one's life & potentially making the problem worse in the long run.

Therefore, it's important to manage stress before it spins out of control. Three important lifestyle factors for stress management include adequate sleep, proper nutrition (including limiting caffeine & alcohol intake) & regular exercise. The University of Michigan Health System recommends at least 30 minutes of vigorous activity 3 times a week.

U-M also recommends concentrating primarily on the present. Don't needlessly dwell on the past or worry about a future you can't control, U-M Health System recommends. U-M also suggests focusing on one stressor at a time rather than lumping them all together.

U-M stresses that, rather than complaining, it's important to talk issues over with friends & family & look for a solution. They say it's also important to maintain a daily routine & make time to enjoy yourself.

It's also helpful to develop good time-management & organizational skills & stick to plans. Once you decide to do something to correct a problem, don't wait to take action. Procrastination only makes tasks pile up.

Finally, it's essential to talk to somebody else if your stress gets to burdensome for you to handle on your own. If friends & family can't help, there are plenty of on-campus resources available that are free to students, including tutors available thru the Holman Learning Center, the Student Success Office located in the First Year Center and Counseling Services located in Snow Health Center.

Parental pressures a major factor for female college students considering suicide

Female college students with mothers expecting perfection & fathers who support the mother are more likely to contemplate suicide than peers from less pressured families, according to a Penn State study.

The study survey of 421 college students - 227 female, 194 male - revealed that close to the same percentage of female & male students contemplated thoughts of suicide: 19.4% or nearly 1 in 5, says Dr. Michelle Miller-Day, assistant professor of communication arts & sciences in the College of the Liberal Arts.

But the proportion of students who actually attempted suicide was 4.0% for females, compared to 1.1% for males. Thus, for female students, thoughts of suicide are 4 times more likely to lead to an actual attempt at self-destruction, she notes.

The findings indicated that college women most vulnerable to suicidal thoughts are those with mothers who not only require stellar performance in school but keep raising the bar of expectation, notes Dr. L. Edward Day, assistant professor of criminal justice & sociology at Penn State's Altoona Campus. Female college students are placed at particular risk when their fathers conform to the mother's wishes & acquiesce in their non-negotiable demands for perfection.

Miller-Day & Day are co-authors of the paper, "Family Communication, Maternal & Paternal Expectations & College Students' Suicidality," which appeared recently in The Journal of Family Communication.

The researchers asked 3 sets of statements, to which the students were asked to respond on a scale of 1 to 5. The first set measured self-expectations of perfection, along with expectations of perfection voiced by the mother & father (e.g. "The better I do, the better my mother expects me to do.") Two other sets of statements weighed conformity levels & the degree of emotional closeness in the students' families.

The researchers found a noticeable correlation between excessive levels of maternal expectation on one hand & high levels of paternal conformity on the other - as well as the daughter's own high levels of expectation - & the daughter's tendency to think suicidal thoughts. These same variables, however, didn't cause male students to give any more thought to suicide as a potential escape.

Miller-Day notes, "Among people 15-24 years old, suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death, accounting for more fatalities than cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia & influenza & chronic lung disease combined.

Moreover, an estimated 16 attempted suicides occur for every completed suicide & approximately 500,000 Americans are treated in emergency rooms every year after trying to kill themselves."

"Suicide isn't a behavior found solely among obviously or severely dysfunctional families. In fact, the tragedy of many suicides is the absence of identifiable pathologies beyond the suicide itself," Day adds.

Miller-Day says, "Setting standards for your children is fine. But, problems arise when parents' expectations become the sole motivating force for a child. When a teenager or young adult daughter feels that she must achieve certain standards in order to earn a parent's love, then she may develop a low-level nagging feeling of not being 'good enough.'

"There's a big difference between being disappointed for your child & being disappointed in your child," she adds.

The Pressures of Being a College Student

by Sylvia Kohler

A college student is a person who has graduated from the levels of school in order to pursue his or her career in a higher level of education. I know because I am one. The pressures of being a student result from the hard classes, the expenses & the hard work.

First of all a student feels pressure from difficult classes . They don't get much explanation from some of their classes because they talk too much & couldn't hear their teacher explaining. They got mixed up because of the lots of hard work. Students who also felt pressured from home carried to school making them not wanting to learn & not understanding anything at all. They combine classes that are difficult to deal with & couldn’t do homework in their classes well.

Secondly, students are affected because of the expenses at college. They worry about how they're going to meet their financial problems, how they should use their money so that they can enough for later uses. The students who are affected are those that don't use their money wisely. A student must know how to spend money so that they don’t add their money problems from home to their expenses at college, because here in college the price of books are much expensive than a price for a 50 pound rice.

Lastly, students also feel effects from the large amount of work they have to do at their home & at school. At these time that they have work to do from classes & from home that usually affect their grade because they just couldn’t combine these at a time & finish it. When they got home they have to do their home chores & sometimes couldn’t do their homework because they got so tired.

Too much work causes stresses on these student. This causes them to have bad grades.

In conclusion, a student must use his or her time wisely, so I suggest a little talk to the parents will ease up the problems because they can stop giving you so much work to do when you have lots of assignment.

A Stress Thought
Use Healthy Pressure To Achieve The Impossible
by Wendy Hearn

Do you feel you're capable of doing & being more? Do you have lots of ideas or things you want to do but, with your current workload, you think it's impossible?

Well, what if it's possible? What if it's time for you to shake up the status quo; the way it's always been done?

What if it's time to put all your ideas & things you want to do on the table & find a way to actually do them? This suggestion isn't for the faint-hearted or those who are likely to feel overwhelmed by everything.

It's for you if you feel ready to put some pressure on yourself. Healthy, positive pressure which requires you to be your absolute best. This is the key point; it's about who you need to be & not what you need to do.

Sometimes it's necessary to increase the pressure on yourself to feel truly alive, productive & for life to be interesting. Pressure applied to yourself, if done in the right way, can inspire & get you into action, even massive action.

Most people stop short of taking action; they spend more time thinking about what they need to do & analyzing it all. This wastes so much time & energy. Time & energy that could be put to better use by taking action.

Putting pressure on yourself s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s you personally & breaks through the limits you've set for yourself. If you're ready for this pressure, the 1st step is to capture all your ideas or things you want to do on paper.

You need to see them in black & white to give you clarity. Once you have everything on paper, keep adding to it as other ideas are uncovered & pop up in your mind. In this instance, instead of prioritizing what you want to do & focusing on just a few things, I invite you to keep your mind open to the possibility of progressing them all.

Well - progressing only the ones that are a perfect fit for you.

So, what do we mean about being a perfect fit? These are the things & ideas that are most important to you, the ones that sit in your heart. One thing that won't be in your heart is any 'shoulds'.

Shoulds are other peoples' expectations & not what you most want. From all the items & ideas, pick out the things that are 'shoulds' & identify how you can handle these once & for all.

Now look at which of these ideas or things to do fit in with your vision, whether this is your personal or business vision. If they don't fit in, they're probably not important to you. However, if you think they're important, perhaps it's time to revisit your vision & update it.

Next, you need to be clear about your personal values; what you place the most value on. Remove from your list anything that isn't fully aligned with your values.

Now comes the interesting part & the part that's likely to challenge you the most. You now have on your list only the things & ideas that are a perfect fit for you, so it's time to put some pressure on yourself.

Start by asking yourself, "What will it take to actually implement all these ideas or things to do?" Listen carefully for your responses. You may not want to hear some of them & you may feel resistance to them. This is normal & allows you to see the ones you need to pay most attention to. It's where you have resistance that you most need to grow & change.

You may be too close to all this. You may need a coach who, as an outsider, sees it clearly for you & identifies what you most need to do or be. This enables you to leap ahead more quickly & easily.

If you're an entrepreneurial or creative person, your biggest resistance is likely to be not wanting other people to do some of these things for you. Yet this is probably the most important thing for you to pay attention to. You probably think you're the only one who can do these things & other people can't do them as well as you.

This is a mindset that'll keep you stuck because there's a way for others to do things as well as you do. The s-t-r-e-t-c-h you'll need to make is first in shifting your mindset & beliefs & then to take the necessary action to enable others to do these things well.

Also, as an entrepreneurial or creative person, some of the things you may need to do include planning, defining processes & putting systems in place. All those things that you see as boring, uninspiring & not necessary. Yet they're essential for success.

This is an area that may be a s-t-r-e-t-c-h for you & in which you may need to grow. You need to plan, define processes & implement systems to give you the freedom to focus on doing what you do best & the things you love. With these in place, most of it can be done by other people & will ensure that they do it in the way you want, giving you even more freedom.

As an employee, when you have clarity about the things you truly want to do outside of work, whether it's setting up a business or indulging in leisure pursuits, the s-t-r-e-t-c-h you may need to make is to complete your work during your working day & not feel compelled to do more or work longer hours, which are usually unnecessary. Put the pressure on yourself by asking, "What will it take to complete my work during the working day?" Perhaps your growth lies in needing to be more focused, productive, to delegate more or to find ways to be more effective.

The way to unleash your ideas & do what you truly want to do is to focus only on those that utilize your strengths, talents & unique abilities. It's now necessary to make the shift & be your absolute best. Anything that doesn't utilize all these fully, needs to be done by someone else. Ask yourself, "In what way can these things happen without me?"

This isn't about doing more & more; it's about who you need to be in order for these things to get done.

source: click here

The Relief of Considering Life a Journey Not a Test

It's a mistake to approach life as if it were a test, yet that is what most of us do. We have been taught to think of life as a test, & unfortunately, that is one lesson we usually learn. Everything we do becomes some measure of our worth & proving ourselves becomes our primary goal.

This is not only an extremely stressful approach to life, it's a very wrong one.

Just by being born we become worthy of respect. We do not need to prove our worthiness, we need to be true to it. That is why integrity & accountability are so important. To be true to ourselves, we must be truthful about ourselves. That truth is the key to our right to fairness & respect.

If we're worried or confused, frustrated or angry, excited or proud, carefree or happy, we need to claim those feelings & try to understand why we have them & what we need to do to be true to them & respectful of them. The last thing we need to do is think they're a sign that we did something wrong or even something right & then use them to justify who we are or what we're doing or not doing.

Rather than prove how we feel & justify the feelings, we must be in touch with how we feel & try to discover what those feelings are telling us about ourselves & what's going on with us. It's this discovery process that frees us to speak & act & make decisions that sustain our integrity.

When we think of life as a test, we don't have the opportunity to discover things about ourselves without fearing we will dislike what we discover, or without using what we discover to put ourselves up or down.

Consequently, we frequently lie to ourselves or hide from ourselves in the hope that we can be someone we're not. This pretense is another stress & another proof that somehow we aren't who we say we are or think we are & very often we feel like an impostor.

Doing life as a test frequently creates a false sense of who we are & a terrible fear that we are really not deserving of what we get, or even worse, if we are mistreated, that we actually deserve what we get.

Either way, being on trial makes every decision, every action & even every word somehow a proof of something & therefore a source of constant stress. To deal with this constant stress, we develop coping mechanisms & survival skills (or survival behavior) that create a sense of being at war & defending ourselves against the defeat of failure.

Those who are successful in proving their worth, gain an ease & often a false sense of their worth & they can become arrogant & superior. Those who are unsuccessful & feel like failures often become anxious &/or angry & lose their self-confidence.

They can become arrogant & hostile in their sense of inferiority.

To live under the pressure of passing or failing the test of life is to live with the constant pressure of self-doubt & possible self-abuse & blame. To spend our lives distracted & oppressed by our own pressure to succeed as a way of proving our worth & justifying our actions, is to spend our lives alienated from & oppressed by ourselves & possibly oppressing others as well.

There's no real "proof" of worth. Success, in & of itself, is empty if it doesn't bring us inner satisfaction & joy of having ventured well. As proof it falls far short of anything of real substance. Proof of what?

Intelligence?

Hard work?

Talent?

Goodness?

If inside we're feeling self-doubt or self-loathing, what does our success prove?

If we're feeling arrogant & superior, what does our success lead to?

Being better than others & therefore more worthy & deserving of better treatment?

And what of failure? What does it prove?

That we aren't intelligent, hardworking, talented or good?

Are we then deserving of poor treatment & abuse & are inferior?

We may be any or all of these things at any one time, but we're more than any trait or any mood, or any accomplishment or any failure.

We're the one who has these traits, these moods & these accomplishments or failures.

We aren't superior or inferior because of what we do or who we are. We're deserving of fairness & respect if we have integrity & are accountable for what we do & how we are. Equality in integrity means treating others with the same respect & fairness that we treat ourselves.

There's room to develop & grow without endangering ourselves or others, if we are journeying with integrity & learning as we evolve.

In & of itself, success or failure aren't the point. Understanding ourselves & what we need in order to live with integrity & be intimately engaged with our life is the point.

If we're exaggerated by accomplishments or failures we're alienated from our true self. If we're alienated, we aren't ever going to have a life of fulfilled desires.

We won't even know what we desire.

To look on life as a journey, is to be on a trip not on trial. As a journeyer we are expected to discover & learn as we travel & to evolve & mature as we age. Evolving & maturing are meant to provide growth in our understanding of ourselves & our complex nature.

The guiding principle of our journey is integrity not perfection & our goal is intimacy not conquest. The contrast between being on a journey & being on trial is found in the agility & freedom to explore that comes with journeying with integrity vs. the rigidity & fear dictated by the confinement & conformity of being tested & on trial.

There's no such thing as perfection. It can't be achieved. And there is no proof of worth, it can't be proven. There is, however, truth in our nature & integrity in our being. If we learn how to process our information instead of using it for proof, we can learn how to relate to our complex nature with integrity & not live in fear of failing life's tests or in superiority for passing them.

I would like to teach you how to process your thoughts & feelings so that you can discover how to be true to yourself & not live with such inner stress.

Process is evolutionary. As the process evolves, the relevant truths are discovered & the outcome flows from the process. It isn't known before or dictated prior to the process & it isn't imposed on it, it evolves out of it.

The process of discovery is the tool of the journeyer. Without the tool we aren't equipped to journey & evolve. And that is an unhealthy stress. Add to that, the mentality of proving & judging & being on trial & the stress can be unbearable.

I invite & encourage you to learn to process & not prove & to be on a journey not on trial.

source: click here

Avoiding the super baby syndrome - pressuring children to learn

by Michael K. Meyerhoff

One year-old Rebecca lives with her affluent, college-educated parents in a large, neatly-kept house in the suburbs. Her nursery is stocked with all the latest educational toys & she spends much of her time in a well-equipped playpen that is placed in front of the television so she can be exposed to "Sesame Street."

Her parents each set aside 45 minutes a day for "learning sessions," during which they teach Rebecca to recognize her numbers, letters, & objects in pictures. They've her enrolled in a professionally-run playgroup 3 mornings a week & in a few months, they'll send her to a high-tech academy where she'll receive extensive instruction in reading, writing, math, science, music & art.

At first glance, it might appear that Rebecca is getting all the advantages & that her parents are helping her to achieve the best possible start in life. However, my 20 years of research on early learning have convinced me that while Rebecca's mother & father are well-motivated, they've been badly misguided & they actually are preventing their daughter from developing into a bright, well-adjusted, preschool child.

Like most mothers & fathers, Rebecca's parents want their child to be happy & to make the most of her potential. Unfortunately, by being too structured, trying too hard & focusing too closely on the contents of her achievements, they're misconstruing or obscuring what early education is all about.

Whether it's basic capacities such as reciting the alphabet, counting to one hundred & categorizing shapes & colors, or amazing precocities such as playing the piano, producing poetry, or operating a personal computer, paying inordinate attention to specific skills often means ignoring - or at least interfering with - what is really essential.

During the first years of life, children are learning all the time & they're learning to do a lot of different things which may or may not include any or all of the aforementioned activities.

But above all else, they're learning how to learn - & much of that they're learning on their own. As they indulge their innate inclinations to explore, investigate & experiment, they're developing general skills that will enable them to more or less effectively absorb from & adapt to the ever-changing environment around them for the rest of their lives.

As far as I'm concerned, infants & toddlers who have been encouraged to develop these fundamental abilities fully & freely will be far better off than those whose initial educational experiences have been directed into relatively restricted channels - no matter how well-intentioned their instructors & no matter how impressive their early academic or artistic accomplishments.

I don't deny that there is overwhelming evidence to suggest that if you use a variety of elaborate & expensive procedures & if you expend enough time & energy, you can teach an infant or toddler to do just about anything.

I've seen graduates of intensive intelligence institutes who could recite Shakespeare & reconstruct sophisticated mathematical models well before their 3rd birthdays and graduates of special music schools who could play Vivaldi pieces quite proficiently on tiny violins while still in diapers.

However, I have never seen a stitch of evidence to suggest that programs designed to produce such precocities provide any lasting educational advantages. Furthermore, while serious, systematic, scientific instruction of this sort may produce immediately impressive results, I am certain that it can be quite counterproductive in the long run.

The fact of the matter is that the finest preschool students - those with whom teachers can work most efficiently & who continue to perform superbly & show constant improvement with each passing year - are characterized not by their accomplishments of the past, but rather by how prepared they are to cope with whatever is in store for them in the future.

Moreover, they also possess interpersonal skills which enhance & balance their intellectual abilities, thereby preventing them from becoming "lonely geniuses" - social cripples with high test scores & few friends. And finally, it's clear that the learning process is self-sustained for such children - they regard educational endeavors as exciting & enjoyable challenges instead of dreadful chores to be completed solely in order to obtain adult approval.

Therefore, I urge mothers & fathers who are following the kind of policies & practices pursued by Rebecca's parents to consider switching to some of the more productive & less stressful strategies.

Allow your child to develop a true understanding of basic concepts instead of training him to perform a meaningless repertoire of tricks. Impressive performances don't necessarily reflect equally impressive brainpower- Roy Rogers taught Trigger to count, but I wouldn't let that horse balance my checkbook.

With extraordinary techniques. you can teach your baby to do almost anything. but he probably won't get the chance to accrue all the mental accompaniments that permit him to comprehend & appreciate the processes involved in many cases.

For example, if you painstakingly teach your toddler to operate a personal computer, he may acquire the rigid set of skills required to use a computer & it may appear that this gives him an advantage over his age mates.

But considering the rate at which technology advances. those skills soon may be as obsolete as knowing how to use a slide rule is today & it's likely he will be stymied by the new machines.

Meanwhile, another child who may have learned a lot less about computers; but who had more opportunities to absorb information from many different items & adapt her emerging skills to a variety of situations, will easily & eagerly deal with whatever technology she is confronted with at any time.

Therefore, it's a good idea to avoid over-controlling your child's environment & feeding him pre-formulated solutions to selected questions. Once he is able to get around on his own, simply make as much of your home safe for & accessible to him as possible then let him loose to satisfy his natural curiosity about everything.

By exploring under the bed, investigating the properties of the things in the kitchen drawers & experimenting with the bathtub faucets among an infinite number of other apparently "non-educational" activities; he'll be able to collect unlimited stores of knowledge & gradually construct universal rules for coping with a multitude of problems & projects.

Concentrate on enhancing your child's horizontal development & let his vertical development advance by itself. Developmental progress can be viewed as a series of successively higher stages with each one serving as a base of support for the next.

If your child is prodded to move on to a high stage too soon. he may exhibit seemingly appropriate behavior for a while. but he will be standing on shaky ground & probably will fall back before long.

For example, during the early years. children learn to categorize objects according to similarities & differences - shapes & colors being two initial schemes.

Once your child displays this basic capacity; it's possible - using flashcards & other devices - to get him to recognize much more intricate qualities & he soon may be able to distinguish a Renoir from a Matisse or a fugue from a sonata.

However, it'll take a lot of his mental energy to keep up these tenuous schemes & it's likely that they'll fall apart eventually; leaving him with very little fundamental categorizing ability at all.

Conversely, a child who was permitted to exercise her simple sorting skills over & over again before moving on will be far more confident & competent when it comes to continuing and expanding this aspect of development as time goes by.

Therefore, when your child displays the lower levels of any ability, don't take it as a sign to push him quickly past them. Instead, simply provide him with ample opportunities to practice his rudimentary skills & wait for him to move ahead at his own pace.

By filling in around him as he develops rather than forcing him upward. you will be helping him to build wide & fine foundations so he can maintain a solid hold on the more complex capacities that come later.

Be available to encourage your child, but don't dominant his decisions. Obviously. the parents of outstanding preschool students aren't idle bystanders in the early learning process; but most of the time they act as consultants rather than instructors.

Instead of superimposing their own schedules & lesson plans on their children's activities, they simply set up open environments, let their children make their own choices & set their own agendas. Then they stand by to provide assistance, expansion & enthusiasm as indicated. While they observe their children carefully, they make sure to use their children's interests, abilities & requirements of the moment to guide their input.

For instance, one-year-olds often exhibit a strong inclination to browse thru books. Over-anxious parents may misread their infant's signals & obtrusively rush out to buy the complete works of Grimm so they can start reading sessions.

But at this point the baby probably doesn't have the attention span to sit still for stories, much less the memory capacity to follow plots, so the result will be a discouraged student & frustrated teachers.

On the other hand, more relaxed & laid back parents may realize that this first fascination with books is based on their infant's fondness for operating simple mechanisms, with the hinge action of the book binding being irresistible. Just let her turn the pages back & forth & perhaps introduce her to a couple of related items such as a cabinet door & the lid of a lunch box.

The result will be an educational experience that is as enjoyable as it's enriching for everyone involved. Remember that your child is a person, not a project & that there's more to life than academic excellence.

Two qualities often associated with preschool students who have been pushed to far too soon are low self-esteem & poor social skills. If you value your child primarily according to his accomplishments rather than his intrinsic characteristics.

If you only seek to educate him & don't take the time to simply enjoy him & if you generally restrict his experiences to the intensive study of subjects & don't give him the opportunity to share, cooperate & just play with other people. You may or may not end up with a precocious preschooler - but it's a sure bet you'll produce a child who'll be at risk with regard to emotionally healthy & interpersonal relationships & who will have difficulty truly loving anyone, including himself.

source: click here

Kicked out before kindergarten

Every year more than 5000 children are expelled from preschool, reports the Yale Child Study Center. Preschool students are 3 times more likely than their primary school counterparts to get kicked out.

The study didn't offer explanations for why this is, but the New York Times did ask some experts to speculate on that question. Their thoughts are intriguing - while all acknowledge that the usual factors (poverty, poor parenting, various clinical disorders) are probably at play - they also finger the increasing hyper-academicism of a preschool curriculum in which socializing young children has become less important than teaching them to perform well on standardized tests.

In more & more preschools, repetitive drills, rote memorization & desk work are replacing more active, playful modes of learning. The result of all this introverted activity, according to the article, is that children aren't learning the interactive things they really need at that age to know: how to share, how to play nicely with others, how to accept contingency without throwing tantrums.

The article is an interesting one, part sociological critique of a trend in preschool education, part jab at NCLB, which gets the blame for pushing schools to stress skill acquisition at the expense of the far more basic behavioral lessons that young children urgently need to learn.

Prematurely emphasizing academic achievement while neglecting age-appropriate instruction in social skills is a recipe for disaster, the quoted experts point out: Children who are bored, or restless, or frustrated, or lost, are far more likely to act out in unacceptable ways.

I'm neither the parent of a small child nor an expert on preschool education, so I can't comment authoritatively on this critique. But it does strike me that it ought to be possible to teach both basic academic skills & social skills (even to teach the one by way of the other, thru group activities & so on) & that the either/or quality of the argument the article makes is thus not only a bit too easy, but also a bit too telegraphic in its political bent. I'd welcome readers' thoughts on both the article & on what they see happening in contemporary preschools.

Excerpt

Chapter 1

If You Believe What Children Say

I know that school is meant for learning & expanding your personality but adults either don't think you're trying hard enough or they don't care.

6th-grade girl

Of making many books there is no end & much study is a weariness of the flesh.

–The Hebrew Bible, Ecclesiastes 12:12

The question "How was school today?" may be the most-asked & least-answered question in America. It's the question that all parents are compelled to voice every day sometime between 3 p.m. & bedtime.

"How was school today?" No matter how gently you ask it, no matter how cleverly you phrase it, 99% of children don't give you the information you crave. "Fine," they reply, or "Okay."

Younger ones may give you some details; a child who is a real talker, a born journalist, may give you an extended news report. But such kids are rare. Most children don't share the kind of information about school that parents want to hear.

Besides, they know that if they made the effort, you'd just ask again the next day. You'd never be satisfied. That's the way it is with all of us parents & as our children get older they may protest being asked the "How was . . ." question. "Mom," they declare thru clenched teeth, "it was fine." What they mean is: "Don't bug me!"

Still, we can't help ourselves. We were so connected to our children when they were little. We watched everything they did; we charted their developmental progress daily. We phoned our closest friends when our 11 month-old seemed ready to walk.

"She's cruising around the living room holding on to chairs & the coffee table." Nothing escaped our vigilant attention & eager celebration.

Then off they go to school & suddenly we're starved for information. We can't see what they're doing or what's happening around them or to them. We're cut off from much of our children's lives.

We want scraps, quiz grades, gossip about the teacher's personality - anything. I once asked an audience of parents what they would ask for if they had "the teacher of their dreams."

A mother said, "I'd like my son's teacher to call me every day & tell me about his day."

"In what grade is your son?" I asked.

"Tenth grade," replied the mother without embarrassment, as the entire audience laughed.

But what do we really hope to learn from that question we keep asking? I imagine a parent asking a child, "How was school today?," & the child answering with something like this: "Mom, I'd like to tell you, I really would, but it's all too complicated to put into words. I don't know where to begin.

The truth is that you're not asking me about school really, you're asking me how my life is going & I don't have any perspective on that. I'm trying to develop into a person here & sometimes the school seems to be something of a help & at other times it feels like it is totally in the way of my becoming a person.

Besides, why do I have to tell you what school is all about? Didn't you go to school? Don't you know what school is like? Why keep asking me?"

Of course you did go to school, but what does that have to do with your child's education? The aim of this book is to take you into the minds of children as well as back into your own school memories in an attempt to put you back in touch with the gritty reality of being a child in school. I hope I can help you appreciate the extraordinary psychological journey that constitutes every child's institutional education. But first, let's start with you.

Have you recently thought about your school years, what it really felt like, down to your bones? How did it feel to sit on those hard wooden or plastic chairs for hours, to stand in line to go to music or PE? What about eating lunch in a crowded, noisy cafeteria?

Do you remember struggling to master a concept? Do you remember how it felt to get bad grades? Or perhaps you never received an F or a D or even a C.

Were you ever afraid of the possibility? Did you come home from 5th grade & find yourself anxious until you finished your homework?

Did you ever feel sick just thinking about going to school, or at the end of a school day? I know a talented physician who was, as you might expect, an accomplished student in school. Many days, however, his take on his teacher's demands made him so anxious that he threw up when he got home.

Did school ever bore you? Do you remember what a difference it could make in your daily life if the teacher really liked-or seemed to hate-you? Do you remember PE class?

Did you love it or fear it? Do you remember the texture of it: the exciting, scary games like dodgeball (if you liked it) & the stupid games like dodgeball (if you didn't)? Were you afraid of being picked last? Were you nervous about the way your body looked or about changing your clothes in front of other children? Do you remember the endless amounts of wasted time in school?

Did your parents care about school? Had your mom or dad been good in school? Do you remember a teacher whom you loved? A teacher who seemed to care deeply about you? Do you still think of her from time to time? Was school a refuge from your family? Did it seem a calm & organized place in comparison to the chaos of home?

There are a million questions I could ask, hoping to make you remember things you haven't thought about in years. Why would I want to dredge up those memories?

As a psychologist, I am fascinated by the lives people lived in school. I am also committed to reminding parents about the day-to-day experience of school so that they can really comprehend what their children are experiencing daily.

Every child's school experience is an intricate, exciting, sometimes painful, often boring psychological journey. We should all be aware of that, but that's not what parents describe when they talk to me about their children's school experiences.

Parents Have Lost Their Memories of What School Is Really Like

As a psychologist who works in schools, I spend much of my day with the unhappiest, least successful & sometimes most bitter children in the building. When I finally sit down with a child, there's the hope & assumption that I'll get him back on track in some way, that I'll find the key to motivate him, that I'll learn some secret about his family life-teachers always speculate that there are problems at home - that'll remove the obstacles from his path & help turn him around.

Sometimes I'm able to do exactly that. I find the key & I share that information with the child's educators. Most of the time it isn't that easy. Generally I succeed in doing something less magical but more substantial. I learn how a child perceives school, in what ways school might not be a good fit for her & most important, I come to understand what she has to do every day to survive school.

My understanding of a student's school journey, of his strategy for negotiating school, is perhaps the most important thing I can learn from a therapeutic encounter with a child.

This goes beyond any simple diagnosis & beyond testing for a learning disability, though either of these may be an important part of the journey. Just the act of a child communicating to me how he feels he fits or doesn't fit into the school environment may change his experience of school entirely: simply being heard & understood can be healing or encouraging.

If I can find a way to convey a portion of what I have learned from the child to my colleagues & they respond helpfully & to a child's parents, that too may change the nature of the child's experience in school.

After 20 years of working this way with parents & children, I'm convinced that one of the greatest barriers to helping children in schools is the fact that parents don't have an accurate view of school.

It's paradoxical: Since parents spent time in schools when they were kids, they should, theoretically, have such information available. However, it's been my experience that adults have lost touch with the texture & meaning of their own educational experiences.

As a result, children feel that their parents are "out of it," that they don't understand. Parents tend to focus on grades & how it is all going to turn out & miss seeing the realities of their child's life as it is lived day to day.

This happens for a number of reasons: Our childhood memories are often lost or repressed. Also, perhaps starved for information about a child's school day, parents are condemned to focus on their child's future. Doing so, they may overlook important aspects of their child's present.

Even the most thoughtful parents of school-age children tend to hold the simplistic view that their kids operate at just 2 speeds: working hard enough or not working hard enough. Parents all too often use mechanical metaphors to describe children.

We say that a child may need to "get her act into gear," or "put the pedal to the metal," & get her grades up. Sometimes, indeed, it is the case that a child isn't working as hard as she theoretically might.

However, she can't just be shifted into higher gear, or given a "kick in the butt" or a "jump-start," as many parents have said to me. If we're going to think about children as having gears, we should compare them to the most sophisticated mountain bikes. Children have at least 28 gears & are constantly making minute adjustments as they go up & down the hills of the school day.

Every parent should know this because every adult lived thru the demands of school life. When I was discussing the ideas for this book with a friend of mine, a woman in her 50's, she said, "Oh, school . . . I was scared every day."

Even if you weren't frightened or worried every day, there were lots of times in childhood when you felt feeling overwhelmed & little-precisely because children are small. One wit once said that the most powerful person on earth is a kindergarten teacher on the 1st day of school. As a child, it didn't feel as though you were making things happen. You were under the control of other people & most of it was happening to you.

We repress much of what happened to us in our childhoods. Perhaps Freud's most original insight was that we are all capable of locking up some childhood memories in our unconscious mind, memories upsetting or socially unacceptable to our adult psyche.

Freud thought we repressed much of our childhood experiences because of sexual thoughts. However, I think we tend to repress memories of being helpless & out of control. People selectively remember their childhood experiences.

If a parent loses touch with her school experience, she will be at a loss to fully support her own children in their school struggles. One of the goals of this book is to help you, the reader, remember what happened to you in school.

Adults often have a selective-sometimes romanticized, sometimes caricatured-view of their own school experiences. We condense many years into a set of war stories, anecdotal chestnuts that have been polished by repeat performances.

If you've attended a high school reunion or college reunion, you've almost certainly swapped stories with former classmates about the popular kids, the tragic suicide or car accident that carried away a member of your class, the most boring or outrageous or sexy or pathetic teachers.

Those communal stories need to be shared.

But did you tell one another the inside story about being in school, perhaps how angry or miserable you were?

Have you ever told someone how incredibly competitive you felt?

Have you ever told someone how much you adored a high school teacher?

Many unconscious feelings about school experiences have never really been put into words. I interviewed a very successful real estate developer. He was bitter about his school experience from the 1st grade onward, even though he acknowledged the importance of education.

"Everybody ought to know a certain amount about everything, but God, sitting thru a year of it, stuff that you just hate & so many -probably 50% of the class-is basically out of it a lot of the time. . . . I wasn't the only one feeling that way."

Did this man's parents know he was disengaged & angry when he was in school?

Did they know his suffering came about because of a huge discrepancy between his native intelligence & a very real but undiagnosed reading disability?

Did his parents not know what to do?

It isn't only children given the label of learning disabled who struggle & suffer. "Gifted" students (many of whom also have learning disabilities or problematic gaps in their skills) may feel desperate for a genuine challenge or for social companionship among peers.

They may wish other skills came easier or feel burdened by others' assumptions, hopes, or expectations. Some of the unhappiest children I have known have been highly gifted honor-roll regulars. It has been said that all great gifts come with a cost. What does it feel like for a child who lives it?

What about the average, or so-so, students? Just as there are no so-so human beings, no child is average once you get to know her. Is your best friend average or above average?

Is a child who shows only mild interest or aptitude for schoolwork only mildly affected by the difficult challenge of school, by an argument with her best friend, by divorce or illness in her family, or by the way everyone compares her to her brilliant sibling?

What about children who cut themselves or use drugs & alcohol to self-medicate their unhappiness, or who end up in emergency rooms after suicide attempts? No one self-destructs over a history test, but the school day & school experience are hardly irrelevant. School is always a contributing factor to the quality of a child's life.

The more I thought about the school experience of the students who came to my office, the more I realized that, despite my own record as a successful student at excellent schools, I had experienced most of the things I was hearing about from these unhappy young reporters, though perhaps not to the same degree.

I came to the conclusion that even the very best school is a difficult place for a child. In the words of my daughter, you have to put up with a lot of crap in school.

Competition & Kids: It's Not About Winning

By Ted Villaire

Whether it's on the sports field, in the classroom, or out in the backyard, competition can provide kids with plenty of opportunities for having fun & learning new skills.

As part of a sports team, i.e., kids will likely learn about time management, self-discipline & good sportsmanship. They'll also get in shape, spend time with friends & learn that success can hinge upon how well they work with others.

While competition certainly has its perks, there can be a downside when winning & recognition become a child's only goals - thereby zapping the fun out of the activity. To help your child develop a healthy attitude toward competition, emphasize that enjoying an activity doesn't mean being the best at it & explain that you're not overly invested in who wins.

Emphasize fun... & effort

The first priority when engaging in competitive activities - especially for kids ages 10 & younger - is having fun. "Younger kids are likely to lose interest in activities that are overly competitive," advises Susan Newman, a social psychologist & author of several books on parenting who teaches at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey.

To sustain younger children's enthusiasm when playing sports & games, toss out the scorecard & be ready to adjust the rules to fit the kids' abilities.

In addition, Newman says, constant encouragement will help young children feel confident about their efforts. If parents emphasize fun & effort, kids will be less likely to make a fuss about winning & losing & more likely to continue the activity as they grow up.

As children get older, particularly at middle-school age, winning gains new appeal. Unfortunately, this newfound interest in winning prompts some kids to start dropping out of sports, observes Carleton Kendrick, a family therapist who is a featured expert on Family Education Network, an online resource for parents, teachers, & children.

Kids often quit playing sports because they feel they can't satisfy their own or their parents' expectations. To prevent children from quitting sports altogether, "keep them playing sports they enjoy - if not in school or on [community] youth teams, then informally with friends," advises Kendrick.

Kids are more likely to stick with competitive activities & enjoy themselves if they don't have parents pressuring them. When discussing a competitive event involving a child, Susan Newman suggests, parents should keep the conversation general & refrain from addressing the child's individual performance or achievement.

"When [a child's] performance is over analyzed, it underscores the importance of winning," says Newman. "This isn't the message you want to send." Newman recommends offering praise to a child whether he wins or loses & keeping your enthusiasm in check when the child wins.

If you're over-excited when your child wins, Newman explains, he may perceive you're disappointed when he loses.

Provide excellent role models

A child's individual personality will determine much of his attitude toward competition, but the adults in his life have a profound effect, too. Regrettably, some coaches & teachers serve as poor role models for kids when they compete.

If your child's coach is encouraging the team to be overly aggressive on the field, Christine Ziegler, a psychology professor at Kennesaw State University in Georgia, suggests that you contact the league or the school administrators & let them know your child will be removed from the team if the atmosphere doesn't improve.

"Parents have choices about what programs they want their kids to participate in," Ziegler says. "There are usually several options available."

If a child becomes angry or depressed when he loses, or if he attempts to cheat, tries to change the rules of the game, or refuses to play if he's losing, it's likely that the child has too much invested in winning.

While you may identify factors outside the home that contribute to this behavior, more often kids pick up an obsession with winning from their parents. "If kids are overly competitive, parents need to look at how they may be unknowingly promoting the idea of winning as the most important thing," says Ziegler.

"Parents should ask, 'What am I doing that may be misinterpreted?'"

Discuss the conduct of others

Whether you're attending the school science fair or watching a professional baseball game, Susan Newman advises you to be on the lookout for opportunities to talk about examples of good & bad behavior surrounding competition.

"When you see another child throwing a tantrum or misbehaving on the field before, after, or during a game, point it out." After you get home, Newman says, "Ask your child, 'Did you see that kid throwing his bat?

That's dangerous.'" Also, when discussing inappropriate behavior, ask your child to think of a better way to respond to that particular situation, suggests Newman.

Involve children in cooperative activities

Many parenting experts believe that children's activities focus too much on competition & too little on cooperation.

They contend that cooperative activities such as playing music together, collaborating on science or art projects, playing games in which the goal is working together & any number of other teamwork-oriented pursuits build valuable skills for kids.

"Competition is important, but so is cooperation," says Christine Ziegler. "At times, a group's goals are more important than an individual's goals. Successful adults have learned that there is a time to compete & a time to cooperate."

Cooperative activities, says Ziegler, are ones that require participants to coordinate their efforts for a common goal. In noncompetitive activities, however, the goal is performing a particular task - whether it's bicycling, playing catch, swimming, or climbing on the monkey bars - rather than competing against another person.

Zielger says cooperative & noncompetitive activities & games are essential for all kids, but especially for those kids who are overly fixated on competition. Young children who generally have a hard time understanding winning & losing may gravitate toward these activities, as will kids who become frustrated & distressed & develop feelings of inferiority in highly competitive environments.

Above all, kids should learn to treat everyone with courtesy & respect whether they win or lose. Ideally, while engaged in competition, a child will learn that winning isn't important; what's important is putting forth the best effort possible.

Then, as the child grows older & realizes that sustained effort leads to improved performance, she'll learn to compete against the worthiest opponent of all - herself.

Keeping Sibling Rivalry Under Control

Parents can help minimize sibling rivalry by being sensitive to each child's personal temperament & personality. Virginia Shiller, a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of children & families, says that if one child is a gifted athlete & another has a knack for art, you should emphasize their individual skills, rather than how they stack up against one another.

While competition among siblings can be a normal part of growing up, you may need to step in when circumstances become cruel & hurtful. Intervention is especially needed when sibling rivalry heats up between elementary-age children or between older children & they're unable to resolve the conflict themselves.

If, i.e., conflicts arise when an older child repeatedly wins when he plays basketball with a younger sibling, ask both children why the match is unbalanced, advises Shiller. After pointing out that the older child has the advantage of size & experience, suggest giving the younger child a lead of several points or ask the older child to shoot further from the basket.

source: pta website

A Teenagers Guide to Handling Peer Pressure Tactic

- the answer:

"Go ahead & have a drink. What’s the matter, are you scared?"

"You must think I’m pretty stupid to fall for that line. It takes a lot more guts to do your own thing"

"Come on, all the cool kids drink"

"Maybe the kids who drink think they’re cool, but if they really were cool, maybe they wouldn't have to try do hard!"

"Hey, I’m your friend. Would I steer you wrong?"

"Friends are people who like you for who your are. If you'e really a friend, respect my feelings."

"Do you want everyone to think you’re not with it?

"Sure I care what other kids think of me, but if they base their opinions on stuff like drinking, their opinions aren't worth very much."

"I bet you’re just scared your parents will find out you’re drinking."

"I wouldn' blame my parents for getting angry. How can I expect them to treat me like an adult if I sneak around & act like a kid."

Dealing with Peer Pressure

"Come on! ALL of us are cutting math. Who wants to go take that quiz? We're going to take a walk & get lunch instead. Let's go!" says the coolest kid in your class. Do you do what you know is right & go to math class, quiz & all? Or do you give in & go with them?

As you grow older, you'll be faced w/some challenging decisions. Some don't have a clear right or wrong answer - like should you play soccer or field hockey? Other decisions involve serious moral questions, like whether to cut class, try cigarettes, or lie to your parents.

Making decisions on your own is hard enough, but when other people get involved & try to pressure you one way or another it can be even harder. People who are your age, like your classmates, are called peers. When they try to influence how you act, to get you to do something, it's called peer pressure. It's something everyone has to deal with - even adults. Let's talk about how to handle it.

Defining Peer Pressure
Peers influence your life, even if you don't realize it, just by spending time with you. You learn from them & they learn from you. It's only human nature to listen to & learn from other people in your age group.

Peers can have a positive feelings, feeling positive influence on each other. Maybe another student in your science class taught you an easy way to remember the planets in the solar system, or someone on the soccer team taught you a cool trick with the ball. You might admire a friend who is always a good sport & try to be more like him or her. Maybe you got others excited about your new favorite book & now everyone's reading it. These are examples of how peers positively influence each other every day.

Sometimes peers influence each other in negative ways. For example, a few kids in school might try to get you to cut class with them, your soccer friend might try to convince you to be mean to another player & never pass her the ball, or a kid in the neighborhood might want you to shoplift with him.

Why Do People Give in to Peer Pressure?
Some kids give in to peer pressure because they want to be liked, to fit in, or because they worry that other kids may make fun of them if they don't go along with the group. Others may go along because they're curious to try something new that others are doing. The idea that "everyone's doing it" may influence some kids to leave their better judgment, or their common sense, behind.

How to Walk Away From Peer Pressure
It's tough to be the only one who says "no" to peer pressure, but you can do it. Paying attention to your own feelings & beliefs about what's right & wrong can help you know the right thing to do. Inner strength & self-confidence can help you stand firm, walk away & resist doing something when you know better.

It can really help to have at least one other peer, or friend, who is willing to say "no," too. This takes a lot of the power out of peer pressure & makes it much easier to resist. It's great to have friends with values similar to yours who will back you up when you don't want to do something.

You've probably had a parent or teacher advise you to "choose your friends wisely." Peer pressure is a big reason why they say this. If you choose friends who don't use drugs, cut class, smoke cigarettes, or lie to their parents, then you probably won't do these things either, even if other kids do. Try to help a friend who's having trouble resisting peer pressure. It can be powerful for one kid to join another by simply saying, "I'm with you - let's go."

Even if you're faced with peer pressure while you're alone, there are still things you can do. You can simply stay away from peers who pressure you to do stuff you know is wrong. You can tell them "no" & walk away. Better yet, find other friends & classmates to pal around with.

If you continue to face peer pressure & you're finding it difficult to handle, talk to someone you trust. Don't feel guilty if you've made a mistake or two. Talking to a parent, teacher, or school counselor can help you feel much better & prepare you for the next time you face peer pressure.

Powerful, Positive Peer Pressure
Peer pressure isn't always a bad thing. For example, positive feelings, feeling positive peer pressure can be used to pressure bullies into acting better toward other kids. If enough kids get together, peers can pressure each other into doing what's right!

Peer Pressure Isn't All Bad

My parents are always telling me not to give in to peer pressure & not to just follow the crowd. If I hear them say one more time, "If one of your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too?" I am going to scream! Isn't it OK to go along w/your friends some of the time?

When we think of peer pressure we always think of it in terms of "bad." We think of peer pressure in terms of pressure to; smoke, do illicit drugs, drink alcohol, have promiscuous sex, engage in criminal & quasi-criminal behavior, do violence, join gangs, etc... We rarely think of the many "good" ways that peer pressure can influence us - & neither do the parents of teens!

Peer pressure isn't all bad, in fact it's essential to proper social development that we do learn to "follow the crowd". This is how we learn acceptable social norms; that is, how we're expected to act in the world in order to be good people. The trick is learning to tell the difference between between following the crowd & blindly following the crowd. It takes a person of great character & self confidence to work peer pressure the right way!

The difference between good peer pressure & bad peer pressure can be summed up w/a simple comparison - when it's good, you're a member of the crowd; when it's bad, you're part of a mob.

If peer pressure is telling you to do something w/out questioning why, to do something you know is wrong, or to do something you feel uncomfortable doing it is safe to say this is bad. This is the kind of behavior that leads to a "mob mentality," that's when the group is acting as one & no one seems to be thinking about consequences or outcomes. NOT COOL!

If peer pressure is telling you to act in a generally appropriate way, to do the right thing when you may not otherwise, or to do more good than harm it's safe to say this is good. As long as following the crowd doesn't cause you to act w/out consideration, following isn't always a bad thing to do. In a situation where peer pressure is good, individuals in the groups will be acting as individual parts of a whole, each working WITH the other. A good rule is this; if it makes you feel bad it IS bad for you!

A good example of positive peer pressure is test writing. Testing situtations have many rules & lots of pressure to do well. Combine this w/the reality that tests aren't easy for everyone, that some people will do better than others, that some people may try to cheat & that others may not care about the test at all & you have a recipe for chaos.

Yet, somhow, most testing situations go smoothly. Kids don't generally do the test as a group & they rarely break the rules of being quiet & "eyes on your own paper". Even the kids who may finish early or who don't care about the test much tend to obey the basic rules. Why?

Peer pressure! Sure, there are punishments for breaking the rules, but academic punishments generally aren't big deterrants. The real reason that everything works is that the kids who don't care don't want to deal w/the feelings of those who do care if they do something to disrupt the test. Peer pressure is causing people to "tow the line" in a situation where they have little or no other incentive to do so.

So, to answer your question, YES it's OK to "follow the crowd" from time to time. In fact it's essential that you do! What you need to do is learn to recognize when following the crowd is doing more harm - either to you or others - than it's doing good.

But, if you find that you can't stand up for your beliefs or are losing the ability to judge right & wrong on anything but the opinions of others in your group, you may have a problem. You must NEVER let "following the crowd" take precedence over "following your conscience". Know yourself & be true to your inner guide & you'll be fine!

Coping With the Pressures of Life

Exams coming up, everything getting on top of you, not enough hours in the day, feeling low.

Despite what some people think being a young person today isn't easy. There are many pressures: exams & studies, money, self-image, sex & sexuality, work & pressures from families & friends.

It's easy to let everything get on top of you & for it to get too much.

You're not alone. Many people your age suffer from anxiety, stress &/or depression. 1 in 3 young people have reported suffering from some form of depression.

Pointers to staying healthy

Take time for yourself: Rather than blocking out your problems, take time out to think things through. Have a bath, go for a walk, listen to music – whatever helps you relax.

Let out your emotions

Bottling up your feelings will only help your problem escalate & getting drunk may seem like a good idea, but in the long run, you'll only feel worse. Letting out your emotions by crying or getting angry (so long as you don’t hurt anyone else) is a good way of releasing tension.

See friends

Get out - share good times with friends - go dancing or out for coffee & talk about life. Share problems - it could be your friend is experiencing the same.

Talk about it

Don’t struggle on alone trying to cope. Confide in someone – a friend, relative, teacher or someone else you trust. There are also many confidential & free helplines you can call.

What Parents Should Not Assume About Their Kids

By Matt Covert, 17, a senior from Las Vegas.

Often when a teen has friends that smoke, drink, or take drugs, parents immediately assume that their kid is doing it too. Sometimes that is the case but sometimes it's not. I believe each kid is his own person & makes his own decisions.

Sometimes parents don't understand the difference between now & when they were a teenager. They think they've been thru the same problems & have the answers. Instead of arguing or yelling, or even saying they understand what you're going thru, parents should wait for their teens to come to them about it & then offer to help their child out.

A teen can figure out the small problems on his own. At the same time, parents should always convey that they're available to talk to their teen.

Sometimes parents can make their kids feel too pressured. Teens like to feel older & mature & to figure things out on their own. I think this helps a kid become more intelligent & more confident.

A teen is never going to learn anything about him or herself if the parents just do everything or figure everything out for them. They may not ever think that they're pressuring their kid but in some cases they are. Parents believe they always have the right answers.

Another problem is teens' appearance. A parent will see their kid dressing differently so they think they're gonna act differently. In my opinion that is a kid just exploring other options in life, which is healthy.

I don't think it's all wrong for a parent to assume things about their child. They do it because they're worried & don't want anything to happen to their child, which is the most precious thing in the world to them. So in the end, I think it would be better for parents to have a healthy concern for their kids without assuming anything.

What do Parents Assume About Their Kids?

By Nicole Morgan, 17 a junior from Hayward, Calif.

Parents make a lot of assumptions about their children today. These assumptions tend to start once their kids reach high school, which is when everything changes.

Parents' assumptions can be about both very small or extremely huge things. However, for the most part, parents shouldn't make assumptions, but be able to ask their children what is going on in their lives if they have questions.

Parents always wonder whether their child is lying to them & kids don't always tell their parents the truth about what is going on. So parents, at one point or another, will be left in the dark.

Parents also wonder whether or not their kids will get caught up with the wrong crowd. They tend to assume that the company you keep will affect who you are. They wonder if you are involved with drugs or sexual relationships.

I think some parents are scared to talk to their teens today. They wonder about stuff instead of coming out & asking questions. Some parents are scared of knowing the truth about their children; they figure that what they don't know can't hurt them.

A heart-to-heart conversation between parents & their teens is one way that parents can stop assuming the worst. Parents should approach their children in a way that shows concern rather than nagging.

However, teens tend not to open up as much as they should to their parents or tell them what is really going on in their lives. That probably is what parents are most concerned about when they're trying to talk to their kids; still, they shouldn't assume anything about their children.

source: usa today weekend

Transition to College:
Separation & Change for Parents & Students
by Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D.

Updated by Anita Gurian, Ph.D.

Introduction

Going to college is more than just "going back to school." The departure is a significant milestone in the life of a family & ushers in a time of separation & transition, requiring an adjustment on the part of parents, the college bound youngster & the whole family.

College students today

Who goes to college?

Almost 64% of the high school graduating class of 2003, were enrolled in colleges or universities, with women outpacing men (66.5% vs. 61.2%).¹ With regard to ethnicity, 84.1% of Asian grads, 65% of white high school grads, 58.3% blacks & 58.6% Hispanics went on to college¹.

College & careers

Students are apt to find their parents were right when advising them to get a college degree or at least obtain additional education after high school. In fact, those with a college degree will earn $500,000 more over a lifetime than their non-degree peers & even technical jobs will require advanced learning of some kind.

But college isn't the end of learning & students don't necessarily have to have only one set career goal in mind. It's fine to use college as a way to explore areas of interest while keeping in mind that the average worker holds 9.2 different jobs between the ages of 18 & 34.²

College & finances

Financing higher education is still a source of stress for many college bound students & their families & students themselves are pitching in. According to one survey, 83% of high school students expect to have a job while attending college or vocational school & 50% of college students end up working 25 hours / week & 30% work full time.

This added burden of working to earn money is cited as necessary to help pay for college.³

Adjusting to college life

The stress levels of college students have been rising since 1985. In one 1999 survey of 683 colleges & universities conducted in the first days of school by the University of California at Los Angeles, 30.02% of the freshmen acknowledged feeling frequently overwhelmed, almost double the 1985 rate.

The increased number of students feeling stressed has been accompanied by an increase in utilization of mental health & counseling services; one institution reported a 29% increase in the use of counseling & psychological services in the last 4 years & another reported that 40% of the first-year students visit their counseling center.⁴

The impact of the student's move to college on parents

Moving on to college represents a significant step towards adulthood. Whether the student lives at home or goes away to attend college, the move represents an emotional separation for both parents & child.

For most, the end of high school marks the symbolic end of childhood. This phase of life, especially when the student moves from home, is often referred to as “the empty nest.” Many parents talk enthusiastically about the changes - they feel less constrained, have more free time & no longer endure loud music or competition for the phone, computer or car. But a sense of loss is apparent is apparent in comments such as "it's so quiet around here" or "I can't believe how much less I spend on groceries."

Challenges for parents

Feeling a void

Feelings of emptiness characterize this stage of separation - there's vacant time & cleaned-out rooms. Parents may feel unprepared or uncomfortable without their role as primary caretaker & protector. Parenting is a tough business & a double-edged sword; successful parenting requires devoting one's life to a totally dependent being to ensure a safe, independent departure into the world - leaving parents behind. Joy may be mixed with longing as the young adult takes flight from home base.

Feeling left out

Adjusting to being on the outside can be difficult when parents are no longer needed in the same ways. Even though students may have been somewhat independent while still under their care, supervision & roof, once in college parents are less privy to every aspect of their child's life; they no longer know the details of their son's or daughter's whereabouts & aren't able to pass judgement on all their friends.

Relinquishing control

It's necessary to give up some parental control. Whether it’s giving advice about selecting courses or drinking parents have to come to realize that young adults must make their own decisions. Relationships grow & change as children grow & change.

What parents can do

Redirect time & energy previously focused on the child. Taking stock of personal interests & assets will reveal areas of life that may have been neglected. It can be time to develop, reawaken & pursue old & new hobbies, leisure activities & careers.
As they play a new role in their child’s life, parents must readjust their identity as parents & as a couple. The goal is to develop an adult-to-adult aspect of the parent-child relationship. Children always need parents, but the relationship may become more peer-like. Accepting that adult children want more privacy in certain areas of their lives is part of this process. If there are other children still at home, the entire family structure will change.
Ideally, discussions about values, which have occurred throughout the child's life, serve as a foundation. Before the send-off however, it's useful to re-discuss specific issues, since college students are usually confronted with situations involving sex, drugs & alcohol as well as tough academic & interpersonal issues. Without moralizing or criticizing, even young adults benefit from hearing their parents' views on these issues.
Address individual needs. Parents should investigate & inquire about available resources. Arranging for necessary services for students with a learning disability, mental illness, or physical condition should be done preventively. College staff are specially trained to work with students of this age & these specialists should be identified prior to arrival.
In the event of a crisis, it's preferable to support the student's own coping & problem-solving abilities rather than to rush in as savior, however difficult it is to hear cries of distress. Crises described from afar often sound worse than they are & can often change dramatically in the course of a few minutes or days. Parents, however, know their child best & must assess when their child needs their more direct help.
Guide rather than pressure. Communicating educational goals & expectations should be done in a manner respectful of the student's own style & interests. College students need to pursue their own passions. Although parental input can be useful children shouldn't be expected to live out their parents' dreams. Focusing on "my daughter the doctor" or "my son the lawyer" is unproductive. Parents must allow for the candlestick maker to emerge if that's what is best. College should be a time of self-discovery even if the process is marked by some fits & starts.
Plan ahead. In addition to all the details of hauling stuff off to campus & buying just the right desk lamp, deciding about such things as checking accounts, phone cards & spending money before hitting the road is useful.
Determine appropriate expectations & guidelines & be explicit. Parents should anticipate future events & discuss issues such as curfews, financial contributions & roommate arrangements with romantic partners directly with the young adult. If parents expect or want a weekly phone call, they must say so. If parents & students want to spend a particular holiday together, they should plan ahead.
Allow for mistakes. Parents must encourage & accept the child's ability to make independent decisions. Both the college student & the parents must realize mistakes will be made along the way - it's called life experience. Learning from mistakes is another type of learning.

The impact of college on the student

College provides a time of socially feeling recognized, recognizing feelings independence from parental rules & restrictions. Although the legal age of adulthood varies for such things as voting & drinking, going to college is an obvious sanctioned move towards independence.

However, independence isn't conferred automatically at a certain age or in a specific place. It's achieved by practicing how to think for oneself & take responsibility for one's actions. College students can feel invincible & able to take risks.

But both the opportunities & the consequences can be high. The college freshman will be confronted with abundant pressures related to social situations -- sex, drugs, alcohol. With respect to academics, students today are feeling increasing pressure to know what they want to do, pick a career path & plan for their future. This pressure is causing unfortunate substance abuse, anxiety & even depression.

Challenges for the college student

Fitting in

It can be daunting to leave the security of family & friends. When going to college, students often must leave, or give up, one group (of family & friends) then accommodate & learn about a new group.

It can be stressful to analyze new social norms, learn a new set of behaviors & consider adopting a particular identity & group affiliation. The opportunities can be exhilarating but the choices shouldn't be made hastily.

Balancing socializing & working

College offers an assortment of opportunities for advancement & distraction - there are so many potential friends, parties, courses, things to do, places to go. Not knowing what direction is best & not wanting to miss out on anything, students often try to be included in everything.

Knowing when help is needed

Students often doubt their ability to handle their course work & may be bothered by new & unexpected feelings, precipitating a downward spiral. There's also an increased risk of certain disorders in the teen & young adult years (e.g. depression, manic depressive illness & anorexia). Students may find themselves seeking out a mental health professional for the first time. The right help at the right time can prevent problems from snowballing.

What the college student can do

Explore new interests, discover new places & meet new people. These experiences contribute to college life, but getting an education should remain the student's foremost purpose.
Before committing to any one group or trend, students should take their time getting to know other students, investigating different activities & deciding what makes them feel most comfortable. Affiliations change a great deal over the course of the first year as students become more knowledgeable & confident.
Participate & prioritize. No one can do everything. When students narrow their focus they often feel less feeling overwhelmed. Finding a passion is one of the most exciting aspects of the college experience.
Personalize the experience. It's easy for students to feel lost in the crowd. Students who take responsibility for their education by seeking out particular adults often have the best experience. Getting to know professors will personalize college & help the student feel connected to an institution that may seem impersonal.
Be feeling patient, feelings of patience. It takes time to understand the rhythm of a new academic life & for students to develop a personal learning / studying style. Over the first semester it becomes easier to understand the flow of work & realize how to accommodate different teachers' standards & course requirements.
Evaluate the fit. Assessing how expectations meet reality during the first year is a necessary process. Some disappointment or surprises aren't unusual & may require some fine tuning; adjusting one's course load, changing majors, rethinking involvement in activities. Sometimes a school turns out to be different from what was anticipated or students learn more about what truly will suit their needs. Students should get guidance & explore options & certainly consider changing schools if that's what seems best.
Never ignore a problem. Both academic & emotional challenges are most successfully managed early when small.

Advice for both parents & students

Expect ups & downs.

One minute college students are the models of independence, the next they call in tears. Parents may also try too hard to advise from afar. This back & forth is natural & expected, as both students & parents become more comfortable & confident in the ability of students to handle situations on their own.

Stay connected.

Little things do count. There can be some truth to "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but parents may worry that "out of sight means out of mind." So parents & students need to determine ways to stay involved in each other's lives & remember to say & do the little things that remind someone of their love. Cards sent home, care packages sent to school, pictures of events that were missed & e-mail do provide a way to stay connected & involved.

Peer Pressure

What is peer pressure and how does it effect me?
Your "peers" are people of your age and social group-your friends, schoolmates and maybe co-workers and neighbors. "Pressure" means a push or force. So, put together, "peer pressure" means a push coming from the people you tend to hang out with.

Peer pressure is always tough to deal with, especially when it comes to sex. Some teenagers decide to have sexual relationships because their friends think sex is cool. Others feel pressured by the person they are dating. Still others find it easier to give in and have sex than to try to explain why not. Some teenagers get caught up in the romantic feelings and believe having sex is the best way they can prove or demonstrate their love.

Some things to think about before peer pressure makes the decision for you:

Not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes it feels like everyone is "doing it," it is important to realize that this is not true. People often talk about sex in a casual manner, but this doesn't mean they are actually having sex.
Hollywood doesn't show the full story. Sexual situations are everywhere in our culture. They are on television, in movies, and even in commercials and magazines. This is part of the reason why we enjoy these things so much. Just remember: characters in these movies, television shows, and advertisements are actors and actresses. They can't get unwanted pregnancies and STDs. You can.
There are lots of great reasons why people wait to have sex. You may be making plans to go to college or to start a job after you finish high school. Consider, would a baby in your life make it easier or tougher for you to do the things you've dreamed about? Wanting to avoid STDs is another reason that some people are very cautious about becoming sexually active.

Knowing how you feel about yourself is the first big step in handling peer pressure. It's OK to want to enjoy your teen years and all the fun times that can be had. It's OK to respect yourself and your personal beliefs enough to say, "No, I'm not ready to have sex."

Ways to Avoid Peer or Date Pressure:

Hang out with friends who also believe that it's OK to not be ready for sex yet.
Date several people and hang out with different groups of people.
Go out with a group of friends rather than only your date.
Introduce your friends to your parents.
Invite your friends to your home.
Always carry money for a telephone call or cab in case you feel uncomfortable.
Stick up for your friends if they are being pressured to have sex.
Think of what you would say in advance in case someone tries to pressure you.
Be ready to call your mom, dad or a friend to pick you up if you need to leave a date.
Never feel obligated to "pay someone back" with sex in return for an expensive date or gift.
Say "no" and mean "no" if that's how you feel.

Nothing But Trouble...

The effects of drugs and alcohol can make it hard to think clearly, let alone make the best possible decisions about sex. While you're under the influence of drugs and alcohol it is easy to make a decision you'll regret later. Even worse, there are some people who will use the effects of alcohol and other drugs to force you into having sex with them.

Errors in Judgment: Alcohol and drugs can cloud your mind, making you do things that you normally wouldn't do. Remember, it is possible to get an unwanted pregnancy or to get or transmit an STD from one act of unprotected sex. No matter how drunk you were the night before, you still have to pay the consequences the next morning.

Date Rape: Date rape and date rape drugs make drinking in situations that can lead to sex extremely dangerous, especially, but not only, for young women. If you fall asleep drunk or pass out at a party, it is possible that someone will take advantage of you during the night. There is a "date rape" drug, and it is known as GHB. GHB pills can be called "roofies" and they are usually mixed in a beverage. GHB makes it possible for a partner to have sex with you against your will. Someone can place something in your drink when you are not watching, so be careful not to leave your drink unattended.

REMEMBER: If you have been sexually hurt, it is NOT your fault. You should NOT feel guilty or ashamed. If you have been hurt, contact your local Rape Crisis Center, or talk to someone you trust like a friend or parent.

source: i wanna know.org

the following web links are provided for your convenience in visiting the source sites of the information displayed on this page:

handling peer pressure - the answers

dealing with peer pressure

Peer Pressure Isn't All Bad

Don't let life's pressures wipe out gratitude for what you have

Negative Body Image Results from College pressures

How To Deal With Pressures of College Life

Parental Pressures a Factor in Female College Students

Transition to College: Separation and Change for Parents and Students
by Robin F. Goodman, Ph.D.

The Pressures of Being A College Student

The Old Potty Training and the New Toilet Mastery

Kicked Out Before Kindergarten

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