  
Respect and Feelings
Feelings are the emotional and physical responses to what we think about how we react to daily events. Feelings are natural. We can't stop them from happening. Because we're all different, we respond to feelings in various ways, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively.
By acting responsibly towards our feelings, in both words and actions, we can learn to respect ourselves and others.
It's hard to act responsibly when our actions are a result of our feelings. Often myths and erroneous statements complicate these feelings. Do either of these myths about feelings sound familiar?
"Feelings, that sissy stuff."
Recognizing that feelings are real and natural for everyone is important. Some of us may never acknowledge that emotions or feelings are a part of living. It may be difficult for some of us to talk about our feelings. An important step in building self awareness and relationships with others is learning about personal feelings.
Most individuals learn
to accept feelings, both good and bad.
"Feelings don't exist, so no one should talk about them."
Denial of feelings can damage relationships and can build up emotions to the point of eruption of negative behavior, such as when an angry person hits the table. Thinking that we can't talk to those we respect about our feelings may cause a "shut down" emotionally.
Talking about personal
feelings with friends and family may help.
Instead of denying feelings, give them words. Feelings tell us something about ourself, just like an information chart. Develop a list of "feeling words" and mount them on the wall or the back of the door.
Every time you or someone
in your family "feels" a certain way, write the word or draw the face that best describes it. Occasionally at the dinner table
develop a story built on feeling words. Begin...
Today I feel ________ because __________.
I sure was scared when _______ so I ___________.
I was embarrassed when ________ because I felt ______.
These activities can encourage an open communication of feelings and respect with the family.
Dealing With Feelings - Defining Diversity, Prejudice & Respect
Contributed by U.S. Indian Health Service (USIHS)
The Philadelphia Eagles'
stadium can seat almost 70,000. Could you have picked your brother out of the crowd? Yep. There are over 7 million people
living in New York City. Could you recognize your mom out of all those people? Of course. And the population of the entire world is over 6 billion. Could your family
possibly mistake you for someone else? No way!
Although there's bound
to be a person who looks something like you, you're totally unique and special. Your brother, your mom & the other members of your family are each unique, too. And so is
every person who has ever lived, is living now, or will live in the future. Pretty cool, right?
But what if everyone actually
did look exactly the same? What if everyone talked and moved in exactly the same way? Boring! We'd no longer be one of a kind. We'd lose our uniqueness. We'd lose our diversity.
What Is Diversity?
The word
diversity means a variety or assortment of different types of things. Think how many kinds of fruits, or T-shirts, or books there are. How about all of the many types of houses and cars that exist?
Or the amazing variety of birds, plants and fish found all over the world.
In the same way, human
beings have a great deal of diversity. Although our basic structure is the same (head, body, arms, legs, etc.), there's diversity in our
looks. Skin, hair and eyes all have lots of interesting colors. Our bodies are different, too, in size and shape. Even our
fingerprints are unique!
People are
diverse in other ways, as well. We live in different places, have different kinds of jobs
and go to different schools. We have a variety of ethnic backgrounds and religious beliefs. And we speak many different languages and differ in our thoughts and feelings.
Where Do I Find Diversity?
Diversity,
of course, starts right in your own family. You probably share things like the shape of your nose or texture of your hair,
but each person is still different. Even identical twins are unique!
But to really check out
diversity, look around your town or city & around your school. How many shades of skin color
do you see? How many hair and eye colors? How many body shapes?
Then think about the different ways people in your community worship, work and play. Where do their families come from? What languages do they speak to communicate? How do they study and learn at school?
It's not the same for everyone
-that's for sure.
All of this incredible
diversity is why the United States is sometimes called a "melting pot." This means that people
of different races, religions and ethnic backgrounds have all come together to share their lives. Americans share a number of very
important beliefs; in democracy, in freedom of speech and in the right to worship as they choose. These common beliefs give an important foundation on which to build a nation. Americans stand for these beliefs and defend them.
Americans also celebrate
their different cultures, differing political viewpoints and differing tastes in food, art, music and just about everything
you can think of.
From the birth of the nation,
these differences have strengthened and enriched the country. The diversity
that Americans have valued throughout their history has a lot to do with making this world an exciting and interesting place to live!
What Is Prejudice?
Unfortunately, not everyone
sees diversity as such a positive thing. With diversity can come prejudice (say: pre-jeh-dess).
People show
prejudice when they form a negative opinion without knowing all the facts. (That's not fair!) These opinions might be based on someone else's race, religion, or ethnic background. They might be based on a person's gender, age, or disability, or even income or education level.
Then prejudice
can turn into hatred or unfair treatment of a person belonging to a particular group.
Do you recognize prejudice when you hear it? As soon as people are lumped together in a group, unfair opinions are probably being expressed.
Consider the beginnings
of these statements, for example:
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"All African-Americans are . . ."
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"Every white person is . . ."
-
"Catholics always . . ."
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"All Italian people . . ."
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"Everybody in a wheelchair . . ."
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"Poor people are . . ."
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"Girls are always . . ."
-
"Old people are . . ."
Dealing With Feelings - Defining Diversity, Prejudice & Respect
Contributed by U.S. Indian Health Service (USIHS) (continued)
Comments like these don't
have anything to do with looking at a person as an individual, do they? Instead, prejudice
divides people into groups and says who's in - and - who's out.
Rather than building bridges
between people, prejudice puts up walls. People who show prejudice often
fear diversity for some reason.
Instead of welcoming diversity, they're afraid of or uncomfortable with people who're somehow "different" than they are. This kind of thinking can lead to hatred and even violence.
What Is Respect?
But there's another way
to look at diversity in the world around us. People who see others as individuals instead of labeling
them according to the group they belong to are people who show respect for
each other. (Some people use the word "tolerance"
to mean the same thing.)
Respect for one another
means being willing to accept other people's differences - even if they look different from you, have a different religion, or come from a different land. It also means treating other people the way you'd want to be treated.
Does this mean that all
behaviors should be tolerated? No way! Behaviors that disrespect or hurt others, like being mean or bullying, or behaviors that break social rules, like lying or stealing, shouldn't be tolerated. Respect is about accepting people for who they are, for their best selves - not about accepting bad behavior.
Practicing Respect
But isn't it easier just
to be with kids who're like you? Kids who have the same skin and hair color? Who speak the same language? Who think the way you do?
Easier, maybe. But sticking
with the easy way also means missing out. You won't get to find out about different cultures or learn about new ideas, places,
or ways of looking at the world. You'll also miss out on making new friends.
Getting to know someone
who's different than you might seem a little uncomfortable at first. Here's how a kid named Mike puts it: "When I see somebody who's not like me, my first reaction is to keep my distance. But after getting to know this really cool kid - who's totally unlike me - I realized that everybody's just looking for
a friend."
A smile and a simple "hi"
are all you need. All it takes is one person to take the first step. Why not you?
r-e-s-p-e-c-t
author: adam kahn
IT'S NICE TO BE LIKED, but it is even more satisfying to be respected. And although it takes some effort, you can attain that desire. Here are 3 places your effort will increase the respect
you get from people:
Increase your competence. People respect ability and skill, as long as you are noticeably good. This means
trying to be a jack-of-all-trades doesn’t work. Concentrate your efforts. Choose a useful ability and hone yourself
into the Mozart of that ability. If the skill is used at your job, your increasing competence may bring you a new pay level
too. Work on improving your ability whenever you can. Become a master.
Use good manners.
Without using please and thank you and would you mind, without saying hi to people and learning their names and interests,
you'll not earn people’s respect. Even if you’re competent, you'll be resented rather than admired.
Speak up rather than smolder. Do it with good manners, but speak. It takes courage to speak up and people know that and respect it. But when you speak up, make requests rather
than simply complaining. Don’t say what you don’t like about what’s already been done; say what you’d
like to see in the future. And think it through beforehand so you say it well.
DON'T WORRY about whether or not people like you. Concentrate on competence and good manners and
saying what you need to say and you’ll get more than liking. You’ll get even more than respect from
others. You’ll earn the reward that might matter more than any other: You’ll respect
yourself.
Increase your competence, use good manners and speak up rather than
smolder.
Respect - How to teach it and
how to show it.
by Steve McChesney
One of the most important things you can teach your child is respect.
Keep in mind that respect is not the same as obedience. Children might obey because they are afraid. If they respect you, they will obey because they know you want what's best for them.
The best way to teach respect is to show respect. When a child experiences respect, they know what it feels like and begin to understand how important it is.
Keep in mind the saying "Do
unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Respect
is an attitude. Being respectful helps a child succeed in life. If children don't have respect for peers, authority, or themselves, it's almost
impossible for them to succeed.
A respectful
child takes care of belongings and responsibilities, and a respectful child gets along with peers.
Schools teach children about respect, but parents have the most influence on how respectful children
become. Until children show respect at home, it's unlikely they will show it anywhere else.
How can you show respect
to your child?
Be honest – If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize.
Be positive – Don't embarrass, insult or make fun of your child. Compliment them.
Be trusting – Let your child make choices and take responsibility.
Be fair – Listen to your child's side of the story before reaching a conclusion.
Be polite – Use "please"
and "thank you". Knock before entering your child's room.
Be reliable – Keep promises.
Show your child that you mean what you say.
Be a good listener – Give your child your full attention.
Children learn from everything we say and do. Make sure that you are modeling respectful
behavior. Some of things you can do are:
Obey laws – Follow rules.
Be caring – Show concern for people, animals and the environment.
Avoid poor role models –
When you see examples of disrespect, discuss them.
When you set rules at home,
explain to your child why the rule is important. For instance, if the rule is "No TV between 4:00 and 6:00" it is because this is homework time and homework is important to keep grades up in school.
Teach your child to respect themselves. Self-respect is one of the most
important forms of respect. Once we respect ourselves, it is easier
to respect others.
Your opinion means a lot to your child. If you believe your child can succeed, they will believe they can as well.
Build their independence. Give them responsibilities as soon as they can handle them.
Help them set and achieve goals. Their self-respect will skyrocket when they see themselves achieving those goals.
Encourage honesty. Let your
child know that they may be able to fool some people, but they can't fool themselves. There is no pride in stealing, cheating,
or lying.
Most importantly, show love! Say `I love you" often and give plenty of hugs and kisses.
If your child makes a mistake, remind them that they are still loved.
Age affects children's respect. Children and adults deserve respect at every age. Here is a guideline based on age:
Babies – They are too
young to show respect but when you meet their needs, they learn to trust you. This helps as they get older because respect for authority is based on trust.
Toddlers – They are
old enough to learn to say "please" and "thank you".
Preschoolers – This
is a good time to teach rules and consequences.
Elementary age – They
show the most respect for adults who make fair rules. It helps to let them have a say in the rules that they are expected to follow.
Middle and High Schoolers
– Allow them to show independence, such as clothing or hairstyles, but make sure you have guidelines. They will appreciate the respect you are showing them. We respect you and
the incredible job that you have, being a parent.
Have a great day!
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You Must Demand Respect
by Kathleen Howe
I have adopted a new habit
in my personal growth and recovery journey. I'd like to tell you about it. I have removed the word, "should"
from my vocabulary and replaced it with two words which are, "need to." Instead of doling
out the "helpings" as my kids have always described second helpings of food at the dinner table, but this time of shame
and guilt instead of meatloaf - I've found that prodding people to do something that might be essential for them to do
as "need to know" information.
If that confused you, it's okay, let's say it plain and
simple, "You should adopt the same habit that I have in my personal growth and recovery
journey. You should eliminate the use of the word, " should " from your vocabulary because
if you don't, you might be sorry. It's just that if I replace the word " should " in this
situation - it might go something like this...
You need to replace the word "should"
in your directives because if you don't, you'll be insinuating that if you don't, there will be consequences that may include
shame and guilt. You need to eliminate shaming and inducing guilt unintentionally as much
as possible. We never know how people will think. Perhaps if you say, "You should
stop using the word should when you are advising people." Whoever you are speaking to may think that if they don't start deleting
the word, " should " from their vocabulary that they will be guilty of something - therefore,
casting the emotion of shame over them for not heeding your advice.
It all came about because I was studying emotions and feelings
when I came upon a parenting article. It advised parents to stop telling children that they "should" stop worrying because
it was wrong to worry when there is nothing to worry about. AHA! Feelings and emotions are never wrong or right! Some adults
know this and the rest of you need to know that what we feel is never wrong or right - it simply is how we feel. So, the article
went on to say that we were not respecting our children - all of us who are parents that
say that our kids "shouldn't" worry - because we were not allowing them to have emotions and feelings.
Let's think about that. If you are not feeling good about
yourself at the moment and someone walks up to you and inquires about our "down in the mouth" expression - we most likely
say to them that we aren't feeling good about things at the moment. If that person says to us,
"Oh come on now! There's nothing to feel bad about now! How could you feel bad
about yourself? You should always feel good about yourself!"
I know that I would look at the well meaning
person and say, "How do you know how I feel? How do you know what's going on in my world?" I'd say this because I would feel
invalidated by the comment made. I would feel maybe guilty or shameful if I didn't know better and then I'd have more reasons
to be upset. I would also feel - disrespected - for not having my feelings and emotions recognized.
How can you tell an anxious person that they shouldn't
feel anxious? It doesn't even make sense. Knowing it doesn't even make sense I can see where I might feel disrespected
if someone didn't allow me to feel what I feel. If my parents said to me, "You shouldn't worry!" every time I found myself
worrying or feeling anxious - I'd feel guilty like I'd done something wrong. In turn, I would also feel disrespected by not
being allowed to have my own feelings
After reading that article I began taking time
to be aware of how many times I used the word, "should." It was amazing how many times I said that people "should" do whatever
it was I was talking about! It drove me crazy that I wasn't respecting that person's feelings.
I never thought about it before. I just used the word liberally! So this was my first lesson in awareness. I suddenly became
totally aware about how easy it is to invalidate what someone is feeling. I suddenly became aware of how this whole situation
could be a matter of respect.
There is yet another lesson in this brief comment
concerning respecting others. Our words that we choose are very powerful tools. Have you
ever felt totally devastated when someone has dumped a load of some powerful negative words over your head? Have you stood
there wondering what the license plate number of the truck was that just "ran you over?" When someone doesn't consider your
feelings by carefully choosing the words they speak - it can cause real damage to a relationship. And if you're a parent and
you don't carefully choose your words when communicating to your children - the effects can be devastating.
I've heard it too many times, "Jill if you don't
get over here right now I am going to ring your neck!" Just an expression? What about saying that to a two year old Jill who
literally thinks that you will choke her when you say that you will. Can you imagine thinking your parent will choke you if
you don't do as you're told? Or how many times have parents called their children, "stupid?" That really grinds me. How do
you feel when someone calls you stupid?
Think about what you're saying to your children. It's really
important that you choose words that show them honor and respect just like any other human
being deserves. You really need to communicate respect towards your children if you expect to be respected back
by them!
Having
raised a daughter almost into her 3rd decade, I now have the luxury of looking back to savor all the hard work done. Although
we can never be sure that greater challenges still do not lie ahead with our adult children, the days of constant tending in bringing up baby are gone. It’s a bittersweet
reality once they leave the nest - calmer and quieter, for sure, more privacy…but too calm?
Joy and anticipation undeniably hang in the air before each of her return visits home. From diapers to playgrounds to dating and driving, those
first 20 years are gone in a flash and with them, your precious little wonder who is no longer a member of your household
exclusively, but of the world at large.
Remember
this next time you are sitting up at 3 a.m. with your sick 5 year old and stretch out your patience just another 30 minutes longer!
One of the harshest realizations a parent must make is that it's impossible
to be a perfect parent and never hurt this child whom you love so much. We are imperfect beings, wounded in our selves, uninformed and unaware about many things in life.
At times, you'll unintentionally pass misinformation onto your child due to your own ignorance. You'll lose your temper and say or do hurtful things. You may, with all good intentions, unknowingly choose options in healthcare, schooling or discipline that undermine your child’s wellbeing rather than
strengthen it.
You're trying to do the best you can with the skills, resources and knowledge you have, but babies are dropped,
children’s fingers get slammed in car doors, adults lose patience. My daughter still bears a tiny telltale scar under her chin where my pointy ring nicked her tender baby flesh in my haste
to dress her one morning when she was only 9 months old.
The reality of our unfinished selves and the potential we have for unknowingly inflicting harm on these young and innocent ones emphasizes how important the qualities of humility and respect are in raising healthy children. Becoming a parent places one person in a very powerful position of authority over another, one who is physically and emotionally vulnerable.
Because of this dynamic and the huge investments of time, energy and money that parenting requires, it is all
too easy for us to slip into believing and behaving as if we “own” our children or that they owe us something in return.
The surest way to avoid this pitfall is to remember that children have been gifted into our lives by a divine force and they belong to Creator, not
us. All children are adopted. Parents are special caregivers entrusted with the responsibility of rearing these young beings until they're able to care for themselves.
Each one is born to fulfill a divine purpose on their Mother Earth, not to satisfy the whims of parents or others. At its best, parenting provides an environment where children are loved, provided for and feeling protected, needing to feel protected and shown the best ways of being human from the moment they're born.
The exquisite beauty of this arrangement is that unconditional love can root most deeply within the parent/child bond, more so than with any other kind of human love. Nothing can bring as much joy to one’s heart as the pure love and trust bestowed by an innocent child, or the cherished bond cultivated over many years with an adult child.
By humbly acknowledging that our children aren't our own, that we are caretaking another’s precious treasure for but a while, our sense of
respect for them grows naturally.
Respecting our children doesn't mean allowing them to do whatever
they please. On the contrary, it means respecting the natural limitations of their immaturity and providing appropriate guidelines and role modeling so they feel secure in the very unpredictable world in which they live.
Babies quite often cry because they
feel insecure, having spent their first 9 months of development in continuous contact with another human being. There's never too much holding
of an infant that a parent can do. Slings, backpacks, shared sleeping space and of course, breastfeeding, are ideal.
Children learn most by example and will imitate whatever they
observe and hear around them.
This is why viewing violent TV programs or computer games is
as destructive to your child’s fragile and developing nervous system as living with real
adults who fight all the time. When children see examples at home or on television of people who are kind to one another, are of service to each other and look out for the wellbeing of other people and creatures, they learn about
the uplifting possibilities in the world.
While violence exists in our lives, so does peace. The more our children are exposed to peace, love and joy, the more they'll be able to create and express this reality in their own lives no matter what’s going on around them.
It’s the most precious legacy we can gift to them, more valuable than any object we can buy.
You
don't owe your children closets full of clothes, cars or a college education. However, you do owe them the best of your love for calling them into your life in the first place. Give to your children the thing you feel is most lacking in your life,
whether it’s time, love, patience or money and watch it grow.
When you focus on sharing what is most
valuable to you or scarce in your life, you'll find it magically increases! Be aware of the special role your child is playing in helping you to regain balance in that part of your life and enjoy the generosity and healing you feel by sharing.
Whatever you give to your children,
give because you want to - not because you have to and mutual respect will develop. When
the time finally comes for them to surpass you, you will humbly and gracefully be able to step aside and wish them well.
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Giving and Getting Respect
When students feel valued, respected and welcomed in their classroom, they're more likely to behave better and demonstrate
respect toward you.
Here are a few tips for creating the optimal classroom environment.
Build your "rep" by communicating and showing concern for the welfare of your students.
When they ask:
Answer with:
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"Because
I care about you."
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"Because
I know you're capable of so much more."
Converse with your students outside of class. Give
them the time of day. Build a friendly relationship.
Use your expressive and receptive humor. See the humor in situations and create joy for your youngsters.
Set up kids for success
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Establish
routines so kids know how to behave in recurring situations.
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Discuss behavioral expectations before an activity and use student input.
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Use proactive cooperation. Give a direction that you know they will
enjoy following before you give them directions with which they might hesitate.
Get them in the cooperative mood first.
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"Everyone
draw a capital "I" in the air."
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"Hey
Fran, give me five."
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"Everyone
hold up your pointer finger. Now stick it in the book where you think page 108 must be."
Then tell them to open their books to page 108 and write answers to the 6 questions.
Help them respond correctly in class. Give hints and cues so that they're successful in front of others.
Catch 'em being good (Remember to describe the behavior. Don't label the student...
(for more information, see the link on the home page titled "Problems with catching kids being
good & how to do it right)
Recognize effort, not correctness. If a kid is giving us his/her best, we should be happy.
Point out the progress made over time. Kids need to see that they have learned.
If a kid doesn't want to attempt a hard task, reminisce about the times when effort brought
success. Encourage that display of effort again. Remember to tell her/him that as long as s/he tries hard, you are pleased.
State your belief in their potential. Let them know that you have faith in their ability.
When things go wrong, remember why you went into
teaching. You do remember, don't you? (You liked kids and wanted to help
them learn and become good citizens.)
Help misbehaving youngsters to learn new and better ways
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Interact respectfully with misbehaving youngsters.
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Treat
them as you would like to be treated.
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Help
them to do better.
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Be
a guide, not a boss.
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Be
the type of teacher you remember fondly from your school days.
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Talk
TO them, not AT them
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Keep your voice at a conversational level, even when you're perturbed
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Avoid giving lectures about life
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Exhibit
the self control you wish for them to show
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Never do anything to them that you wouldn't want done to you
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Separate the behavior from the kid. Like the youngster, dislike the behavior.
In an incident, don't just find fault,
identify what was OK and what wasn't (some % of positive). For example: "Fran,
it was noble of you to stand up for your friend. Being a loyal friend is important. However, I can't allow you to hit others. How else could you have handled the situation?"
Seek win-win solutions. Look for solutions to problems that don't find blame or punish.
Help the youngster to display more acceptable behavior:
Student Thoughts on Respect
Respect is when you're kind. Respect is when you're kind to people then they're kind to you. Treat people like you want to be treated.
I respect my friends in school because I like my friends & my friends like me.
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Respect is to be polite or to
be nice.
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Respect is doing the "Golden Rule" - Treat
others the way you want to be treated.
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Respect is obeying my parents.
When people are littering they show no respect
for the land. Respect is not littering.
Respect means being good to your body.
Respect:
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